Month: July 2025

168. THIRTY YEARS IN RECOVERY

Well… 24 hours later than usual, but no matter. Here’s my yearly post –

I recall a day, actually the exact moment sometime back in the eighties when I made a decision that would change my life forever. I wanted to find out just how much I could drink and not have anyone suspect I was, in fact, totally hammered. Initially it was challenging and fun. Not only that, I was extremely successful, which fed my ego, the last thing in my life needing inflation. Even at the end of my “career” my own father was astonished when I told him I had a handle of rot gut vodka in me. He swore up and down he had no idea. This self-centered and highly dangerous game almost killed me. My closest colleagues had no idea the extent of my disease. I remained productive (at least at work), walked a straight line, and never slurred my speech. By the way, I’m not an idiot either, it’s very possible certain people knew my condition but were either hesitant or unfamiliar as how to approach me about addressing it. It was a game of deception, one that benefited no one whatsoever and, ultimately, it ended up harming countless innocent people. By the summer of 1994 my perception of reality was swiftly bending into the realm of torturous insanity, and the game became an unavoidable 24/7 nightmare. I was totally dependent on alcohol. Too much and I’d pass out, too little and I’d get the DTs.

I talk about my recovery many times on this blog, and to recap, I finally (and astonishingly) sobered up in the summer of 1995. July 28th to be exact. Strangely, in January of that same year I had made a vow to just die and get the pain and futility of my life over with. All I owned and earned was hopelessness. I felt I had no leverage to summon anything but oblivion, so I simply threw up my hands and waited for what I thought was going to be an inevitable outcome. I had no idea that being in a place of total surrender would invite the very thing that was missing from my life, guidance and direction offered and accepted without hesitation. I willingly put my faith and future into the hands and hearts of others. They say when the student is ready the teacher appears. As clichéd as it may sound, this was my experience. I walked into those early meetings a dry sponge. If it was suggested I did it. If it was directed, I did it. Some might suspect I would become a clone of the people who embraced me. Such was not the case. I took with gratitude the best they could give and shaped my own unique life. To this day I treasure and practice their gifts.

I’m glad my fate (and serendipitous faith) have steered me true. Three decades without a drop. It really does feel like I’ve lived two separate lives, and it does not feel like thirty years, thank God. It’s actually motivating that my self-spawned demons of the past are still easily heard and seen. It’s nice to be clear and focused about where I intend to progress, but there’s a strange comfort in constant recognition of what I don’t want, and that’s the greatest gift of life I possess.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

167. I AM AN ORANGE

I am an orange.

This obvious metaphor comes directly from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, and he spoke of it many times. While it crosses my mind frequently, it’s somewhat annoying because it tests me more than I’d like, and usually on a daily basis. The original question goes, “What comes out of an orange when it’s squeezed?” The answer is, of course, orange juice. Why? Because that’s what’s inside an orange to begin with. The answer is simple and undeniable. The comparison this is leading to is “What comes out of YOU when you get squeezed?”  Me? Well… when the pressure is turned up, and depending on the situation, for the most part I do my best to remain cool and rational, but I do react compulsively far more than I’m comfortable with, which means, yes, I do still lose my temper, get frustrated, and raise my voice.

I have a healthy jealousy of people who can keep their emotional pendulum from swinging too much. I work with a few and their approach to life is enviable, at least to me. Mine often moves around as if it were a four-year old hopped up on birthday cake in a bouncy house. Most of the time my attitude is a mixture of serious and goofy, if that makes any sense. I stay on point with almost all of my responsibilities, but as I do I welcome associated humor and positive angles with a practiced mindset, which often leads me to a harmless humorous remark, but occasionally I receive a heaping dose of foot in mouth.

I recall a time, about fifteen years ago where I was in the job and I noticed another trade grab what I thought was our sixty foot roll of 2” soft copper, a very expensive item. I was totally convinced that they had stolen it, and I lost my mind. I was in full emotional meltdown and it’s a wonder the crew didn’t gang up and beat me to dust. Have you ever recognized those inevitable unwanted and distasteful behaviors your parents informally programmed you with come out of you? I did that day, and my reflex was instant shame and remorse. As you could have guessed, I found OUR roll within a few minutes of my tirade and realized what they had was theirs all along. Looking to remedy the situation as soon as possible I left the job, bought a case of Gatorade along with two dozen donuts and headed back looking to make what amends I could. They were grateful and appreciative of my gesture (it was a 100+ degree day and we were outside) and in the end all was forgiven, but the memory now has a permanent resonation to it.

A decade and a half later I’ve had a few slips, but nothing close to what happened that day. Since then I’ve made consciously focused efforts to react calmly, and not only that, respond slower to situations that would have had me tackled at the speed of sound into a straitjacket in my youth. These days I take the time to analyze the situation and approach whatever’s going on with logic and information rather than judgement and emotion. One might think in doing so I’m repressing feelings that should be expressed, and I AM an advocate of letting those ‘spirits’ out, both positive and negative, as quickly as possible, but there’s a secret many may not know about. When I feel a dark reaction building and I take what amounts to nothing more than a fleeting moment to face it and acknowledge it, I’m given the power to transform it, not ignore or bury it.

As I confessed straight away in the first paragraph, my approach is not perfect, and all too often I fantasize about going off on a tangent of colorful insults, comebacks, defenses, and threats when I think my bubble of serenity and conviction is being invaded. Self-analysis in these circumstances is not equal to self-doubt, it’s an indication of an underlying need and longing to grow beyond instinct and past ego.

Those who speak and behave firmly and softly with focus and reason, whether it be as an action or reaction, command attention, respect, and action. Those who do the reverse invite an audience that will ignore, loathe, and resist them.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood