Addiction

55. THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION

armed man

All addictions are dis-ease. Whatever anchors us to (any) material gain in favor of nourishing the spirit is the result of a breakdown in the way we are supposed to live and thrive. You may say our very existence is material in nature so the world “out there” is what provides us life, happiness, and purpose. That’s a lie; and if you have the courage to read forth, I’ll do my best to illustrate the point.

A full year into my recovery I was still having a hard time accepting the notion that alcoholism (or any addiction) was a disease. Evidence supporting my conviction seemed strong enough. My life and body were returning to health. I felt productive, peaceful, and focused. In my opinion, as long as I stayed away from the bottle, and continued in the program, the road of success would continue to unfold; I was wrong. It was all too soon well-worn symptoms and habits once commonplace during my years of blurred and incoherent meandering began to reassert themselves.  They weren’t the dominating force they once were, that’s for sure, but they were hazardous to my well-being, destructive to the environment, and they were beginning to escalate. Was the “shine” of my new life beginning to tarnish? Was I fooling myself that simply staying away from alcohol and following the steps would cure me of what seemed to be my nature? There is no doubt. Luckily the relationship with my mentor was still in full swing. He helped me put the brakes on the resurrection of my old lifestyle before it got to the point where momentum would overrule any intent of stopping it. This is the turning point where I finally learned that alcoholism truly is a disease.

The term “Dry drunk” is the label for identifying the reactions of alcoholism without the catalyst being involved. (Notice that I said reactions, not actions; I’ll get to that later) I’m sure the term can be applied to any addiction as long as “drunk” defines an excess of self-destructive, self-centered behavior. Food, sex, drugs, money, power, and so on, can all be obsessive objects of an unhealthy focus. In essence we can be “drunk” on almost anything.

I sat down one evening with my friend and he explained it to me. “You’re still having a hard time coming to grips with the notion that alcoholism is indeed a disease?”

“Yes. I suppose I still see it as nothing more than a bad habit meant to be broken.”

Joe smiled one of his “here we go down the rabbit hole” smiles and continued. “Describe to me what happens when you drink.”

“Excuse me?”

“Describe what happens leading up to you taking a drink. Let’s say you have been sober for a few days, white knuckling it so to speak. What takes place when you make the decision to get drunk?”

I attempted to clear the uncomfortable feeling beginning to build in my throat and went into state. “Well……I guess it’s like another spirit enters my body. I’ll be feeling good, terrific in fact, and it seems to come at me sideways. I’ll get in the car in this dreamlike trance knowing I’m doing something horrible, drive to the nearest liquor store and buy my usual brand of poison.”

“Then what?”

“I always start asking myself questions. Why am I doing this? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I quit? I’ll walk in to my apartment and sit there for a few minutes with an unopened bottle in my hands, staring at it, thinking it’s not open yet; I haven’t broken any rules unless I drink it. I then open it up and slam it down along with a boatload of shame and regret.”

Joe wasn’t smiling anymore. In fact he was crying a little. “I know what you mean. Been there myself.” He paused, searching for the exact right words to say next. “Is alcohol the problem in the scenario you just described to me?”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“Is not alcohol a reaction to the problem?”

A light bulb started going off over my head, and I began to see the truth of it. “Yes…..there’s a long series of events that must take place before I even drink.”

“Now you’re getting it. The thought process that leads up to you doing something you know you don’t want to do is broken. You are going somewhere you don’t want to go and you’re going to end up somewhere you don’t want to be. Your brain is at war with itself. In other words you are mentally……….. what?”

I filled in the blank rather quickly. “….ill…..”

“Certifiable, mister. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, not the body.”

“Is there no cure then? Will it never go away?” I asked nervously.

“No, not completely. Its influence can wither and lose strength, but the seed will survive and continue to ask for nourishment and rebirth throughout your lifetime. The good news is there are actions you can take to keep it in remission, and done properly they will steer you towards great achievements. There’s an advantage to continuing an effort in pursuit of what is desired and evasion of what must be avoided; this is called conscious evolution. All people inevitably evolve by means of subconscious evolution. They adapt to the environment, they do what is necessary to survive, they avoid pain, and they seek pleasure. The few that go beyond the automatic requirements of living can command great resources. They are the ones the rest of the human “tribe” will look to and recognize what is possible. They are also the ones who will provoke more opposition than support, because challenging someone to be better by example is often interpreted as pointing out that where they are now isn’t good enough.

Joe went on to explain how the brain works. He had a higher education in philosophy and psychology, so when he spoke, I listened. The way it was put to me was like this. Think of the mind as the hard drive of the human computer. Programs are input as we grow older so we may adapt to specific tasks. Some we embrace through awareness, others are downloaded by pure instinct. All are designed to cope with our environment. Most are compatible with the rest, but when a program such as “excessive drinking” eventually begins to fall out of harmonious synchronization with the others, (that is the “program” has become outdated and inefficient at providing the mind and body what it once was capable of) pain and suffering usually occurs, both mentally and often physically. “Programs” can be made obsolete or unused by installing new, upgraded programs, but old information can never be erased.  Here lies the real (and BOY, do I mean real) problem with addiction. When we attempt to re-route thought patterns of addiction, we will experience great difficulty, because the neural pathways of addiction are located in the limbic system- the area of the brain that processes functions directly related to emotion and survival. Make no mistake, thought patterns of addiction are energetically alive, and that which is alive and becomes threatened with obsolescence will fight to survive, sometimes in covert ways. The nature of these impulses will continue as long as we live, which is why awareness must be maintained and progress must be continued.

Do the shadows of the past ever attempt to block my path of dedication towards a better tomorrow? Of course; but in doing so they remind me of what I am motivated to stay ahead of. You may find it strange, but I would not give up one minute of experienced misery for the promise of eternal bliss. I have said this before and I mean it, because all the suffering and all the pain I once went through is my most prized possession. Knowing what I must move towards as a result of the chaos I leave behind is truly priceless.  Do I have a disease called addiction that resides even now in my mind? Yes. Is my destiny set to a live a life of constant courageousness as a countermeasure to what affects me? Yes; but all of this is a gift, not a curse, for I can think of no better way to fulfill my absolute potential.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

51. GHOST STORY

ghost

This is a tale of supernatural coincidence. It is the story of a miracle, and I swear every word is 100% true.

Day 1

A few years ago, around 2005, I decided to find out how my AA sponsor was doing. It had been some time since hearing from him and didn’t quite know where he was since I hadn’t written down his address. His phone had been disconnected as well.  This didn’t surprise me because the last time we spoke he’d mentioned cutting back on non-essential bills now that he was in retirement with  a limited income.  I’d visited his apartment since he moved, but couldn’t recall exactly where it was. The general vicinity was known, however I wasn’t about to go around randomly looking, hoping to recognize it. I found a web site designed for locating people and paid for some information, which to my surprise, proved quite useful. The following Saturday morning I set out to see my friend. My spirits were dampened upon arriving, it was a security building; hadn’t remembered that. After trying Joe’s number for several minutes without an answer I randomly tapped on several other buzzers hoping the occupants wouldn’t get too mad; there was no response. I then spent the good part of an hour trying to figure out how to get word to him some other way and was finally rewarded with a chance to approach a tenant who was leaving. Gathering my groveling skills I pleaded shortly with the gentleman to let me in so I might at least leave a note on his door. The first synchronicity was about to happen. The man was living in the apartment Joe had occupied. He suggested talking to the property manager and maybe she could give me some information on his whereabouts. It was a couple of buildings over, and I found the office with little effort. I called the number on the door and left a message that went something like this, “You don’t know me but I’m a friend of Joe Patton. He used to live here and I can’t find him. I know you don’t have to, but could you please call me and let me know if you remember him and if he is ok?” I left her my number not expecting a reply since I’d asked for information of a personal nature.

Day 2

On Sunday morning around 8:00 a.m. I received a call from the manager of the apartment complex. She was very kind, more than helpful, and a little sad. I had a slight suspicion what was wrong. She told me Joe had committed suicide about a year and a half prior.  My response to the news was surprising. A peace settled over me and I was happy for him. The funny thing was, I didn’t think I would react that way. By no means did I agree with his actions, but I felt I understood them. He had said some time back he may be going into hospice. I thought he was exaggerating his situation, not out of rudeness or insensitivity, but because he always acted and moved with such a healthy swagger. Obviously this had not been the case. After looking at his situation from the point of view of an addict, I could understand why it made sense to him. He had left a lifetime of dependencies in his wake and when suddenly faced with the possibility of leaving this world full of drugs that would violate his ethics, then the option of self-termination became a justifiable alternative. I’d read years ago that suicide is actually a crime, so I surmised calling the police might yield more information. My goal was to pay respects to wherever his remains were. They told me that obvious suicides are not crimes and are simply handled by the coroner’s office. I sent off an e-mail with all the information I had asking if they could let me know anything else about Joe. Synchronicity number two was about to happen. That night I went to my basement and got online to relax. Literati is a generic version of Scrabble I used play almost every day on Yahoo! While playing I would usually turn on my “personal” radio station through a now defunct web site called Launchcast. It was a music service that allowed the listener evaluate songs, albums, and artists. Given enough time, 90% of what streamed would become whatever the user had  graded. At this point I had around 5000 ratings, more than enough to cater very personally to me. For the most part every tenth song or so was either a new release or something that the system had guessed matched my preferences.  About half a dozen times or so (at this point, for the last year and a half) a soundtrack had popped up  that never matched my tastes or had anything on it I’d approved. This was the music to Joe’s favorite movie. It’s called “Last of the Dogmen.” It was released in the mid nineties and it’s about a lost tribe of American Indians found in modern times. Well…….as I was playing online that night, here it came. The name of the track was, “Somebody’s out There.” The hair on the back of my neck went up, not out of fear but recognition of what was going on. I was alone and looked around slowly to see if anything was moving or if I could actually glimpse an apparition of some sort. I didn’t notice anything and didn’t have to. I slept very well that night.

Day 3

It’s Monday morning now, and another phone call came, this time around nine. There was a kind and sympathetic person on the other end. Within a few minutes the Coroner had given me all the details he could about Joe. He told me how he died and that one of his friends had taken care of the funeral arrangements. I knew he couldn’t give me any private information about Joe’s friend for obvious reasons, but instead asked if he could call the man in question and give him my number. He said he would be very happy to try and I said goodbye thinking it wouldn’t work. (I would have been upset if I hadn’t tried.) Within three minutes there was yet another call from a man named Chris.  We talked for a while and came to the end of the road metaphorically speaking. He told me his ashes were spread in a park near Boulder. Chris was most compassionate and he seemed happy that someone still cared for Joe. And that was it….I thought. Synchronicity number three was about to bear down like a locomotive. As usual that night I was in the basement playing my game to unwind while listening to music when Joe’s soundtrack popped up again. Two days in a row for something that had never been listened to or rated? Now it was weird enough it played the night before, but this was way too specific to be considered some sort of random event. The title of this particular track was “Leaving Forever” Hmm. Now……….the next song was one that actually had been rated years before but not heard yet. Queen released an album in 1980 called “The Game” it was extremely popular at the time and being a fan of the group I had marked all the tracks as high as possible. The song that started playing next was called “Don’t try Suicide.” What a way to say farewell. I leaned back in my chair without needing to look around for any physical evidence of his presence and said out loud, “Good-bye, Joe.”  

Is he gone now? No. I still ask him for his opinions; I still ask him for guidance; I still ask him for his presence; and while my prayers may not be answered in ways I can verify or explain, they are indeed always answered. I miss my friend even though I know he’s never really left. This story is for you Joe, rest in peace.  

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

 

45. CHANGE YOUR LIFE – LOSE YOUR LUGGAGE

“Lost Luggage”, a new Shirt.Woot t-shirt design by Matt Leyen.

“You have NO idea what I’ve been through.” I’ve heard this frequently from those who have walked a road of suffering and yes, it’s true, I don’t know; honestly it doesn’t matter. I’m not being harsh or cold, but we cannot move forward without letting go of the past, and I’d bet my life on it. If you really do want help, or know someone who does, the best thing is stop worrying about where you came from and start caring about where you are going. Don’t think that what once happened is doomed to repetition. Don’t talk about how others have let you down, or how you’ve let yourself down, and  don’t relive it, just leave it behind. No more sentences are allowed that begin with “it’s too bad…….” or “what if….” This is the ONLY way to progress. Excuses are the enemy. They are bred exclusively from what cannot be changed or affected. EVERYONE who has stepped from chaos into harmony has done this.

I’ve been taught that most people go through life with two dominating mindsets. They’re consumed by worrying about the future or regretting what has happened. Neither of these exercises are productive, and I ought to know, I was a master of the game. When I was focused on what I couldn’t modify or influence I had little to no time to savor the moment let alone act upon it. I spent most of my waking hours looking for ways to blame. Remember this – choosing to live a life of re-action over a life of pro-action is self-imposed slavery. I’m not talking about charging through the days aggressively, I’m talking about improving the functions of being awake, aware, and alert.

It is okay, however, to reminisce and plan. Neither of these attitudes are based in remorse or victimization. I choose to not live in days gone by, but that does not equal forgetting about what is inevitably going to harm me; old patterns and habits. I also choose not fantasize or dwell upon the “worst case scenario” but that doesn’t keep me from preparing for the possibility of bad things.

Self-respect (NOT arrogance) is the goal of all who are motivated to change their lives and their futures. Self-pity is the goal of those who want to justify blaming everybody else’s lives and their past. All the garbage we carry with us as our “business card” is  nothing more than one giant reason not to improve. All that luggage we drag through life is only needed for trips into the past. If there is nothing in our baggage we would wish on anyone else, then why keep it for ourselves?

These three similarly themed “mantras” will help keep a new life in focus.

          1. Change for the better equals abandoning our history.

          2. Where I was doesn’t matter, where I am, does.

          3. Blame is the battle-cry of self-destructiveness.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

42. I LOVE YOU!

SONY DSCAnd I intend to prove it……….

Please stop by my site and see just how much. I’m looking for new subscribers and will respond to all who would like to leave me a message.

With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

41. OUTRUNNING THE DEMONS

Dark_eyes_wallpaper_by_ONLYMEAGAIN

I used to have nightmares that would make Wes Craven’s movies look like Sesame Street. The hellish visions seemed so real I would find myself jumping out of bed in the middle of the night in a sweaty panic, fighting off the ghostly images that would follow me into the realm of reality. My solution to this predicament was even more of what was aiding their appearance to begin with, alcohol. To be honest it would actually work on occasion and allow me a period devoid of all awareness, all interest, and all  feeling, so there were times I could escape the immediate threat of my inner twisted menagerie and float away on a sea of apathy.

Introspection is the perceived enemy to those who are their own worst threat. What I didn’t realize is that when I avoided looking at myself, those reflections would intensify and re-manifest in other ways. Part of my mind, the part that was fading quickly but still intact, was desperately doing everything it could to warn me of my inevitable demise. No subtleties in play here. The carnival of madness was in full swing, and I was both the audience and the main attraction. My personality was split between rationality and insanity. The war that I encouraged between the two almost killed me. I was a candidate for a straight jacket and there’s no doubt I would have passed whatever test would have been required  to acquire one.

On occasion I had times of sobriety (but NOT recovery) and physically this would feel great, but abstinence does not equal nor even add to mental health. Every time I went into a period of  self-restraint my ego would eventually re-assert itself. “I” would begin to think “I” could control the urge to do what I knew was wrong. The mistake was interpreting an attitude of smugness for resolve, and again I would find myself in deep trouble.

There came a time where I eventually painted myself into a symbolic corner. I had run out of choices. I had neither the balls to blow out my brains and end it all in one fell swoop, nor the stamina to keep on living. Empty, tired, and desperate I FINALLY started asking for help. Those that came to my aid knew what had to take place. They were the ones who spun me around and showed me for the FIRST time what I was really running from, self-judgment. The absence of self-judgment is self-acceptance, and it is  in this state of mind where conflict ceases. What was once broken became whole again. This is something I never could have done alone. The idea of attempting to face my demons on my own was too horrifying a prospect to even contemplate.

IF you are in a place similar to where I was, the only way to get free from that which feels inescapable is to drop your defenses (no more excuses) and ask for help. One of my first entries on this blog (for which I have provided the following link) will clarify just how to go about doing this.

“How to know if you’re on the right track”

The secret I have learned is this, those demons I was running from only existed when I refused to face them. They are shadows, reflections without dimension. It was my running that gave them strength, my denial that fueled their resolve. Where understanding is present, fear is absent. Where fear is absent, love exists. Where love exists, life persists. Where life persists, the possibilities are endless, and I intend to continue proving it.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

31. “We cannot be …

“We cannot be motivated to rise to greater heights without first exploring the depths of what must be avoided.”

With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

5. 12 STEP MEETINGS – BEHIND THE DOORS

people helping

If you are reading this, it’s possible you’ve considered approaching one of these meetings as a way to eliminate whatever it is you seek to remove from your life. There are of course many groups for a variety dependencies. All follow the same basic pattern, and all are excellent choices for beginning a new way of living. Some are held in homes, some in semi-public places, and others in clubs. An on-line search will reveal locations and phone numbers. Here is a link to a nationwide network of groups-   http://www.sobernation.com/list-of-12-step-programs/   Dues are never required, but donations are gently encouraged from those who can afford them. Some groups are “closed”, meaning they are intended only for those directly involved in seeking recovery. Most are “open”, which encourages friends and family members to be welcome in order to support guests. Other subgroups include:  women only, men, Spanish speaking, GLBT, and so on. They exist so attendees can open up in a  more comfortable, less-vulnerable environment. Each meeting usually starts with standard readings from the appropriate literature. Before the period where members speak, you will be asked (along with everyone else in the room) to identify yourself  by first name only and to state your suspected affliction. This is the only time you should be prompted  to say anything publicly, and even then, no one should chastise if you choose to remain silent. When the period for sharing starts, it usually goes to the person who talks first. I have been to meetings where people call randomly upon others to share after they are done. No pressure here; if you don’t want to say anything, simply turn it down. Most meetings will last only one hour. They will be concluded  when the  designated chairperson makes a few announcements and asks some final questions. In the end, all will stand,  join hands, and repeat aloud “The Lord’s Prayer.” This is a condensed version of what will probably happen. There are actually still some meetings where you’re allowed to smoke, and these will identify themselves as such through an official schedule. Coffee, tea, and water is usually available.

If you’re anything like me, there’s some apprehension ahead of passing through those doors. I wondered what kind of people would be waiting. Who would look at me and suspect what I wanted no one else to know?   It felt like I was walking into court. My fears vanished when I realized that any given room may have a doctor, student, housewife, prostitute, cop, teacher, business owner, criminal, grandmother, soldier–I’m sure you get the picture. Basically, there is no stereotype for identifying who might be sitting across from you. What they all will have in common with each other (and you) is that they found themselves in the same place. Although each person’s past will be different, there will be plenty of mutual understanding and support for present circumstances.

In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons the “anonymous” label  exists, is to level the playing field. Here, where privacy is revered, there is no authority–nor are there other titles designed to establish any kind of pecking order. Each individual stands upon their own accomplishments within the program and believe me, that is enough. What is said in confidentiality is promised to be kept at that level. Without this ethic in place, it’s doubtful many would open up far enough to allow any kind of healing to take place.

The 12 steps themselves are a set of declarations, principles, oaths, and actions structured to rebuild a life of health, abundance, and love. They CANNOT be self-interpreted. They must be approached through a trusted and disciplined source. IF you decide to attend and make a commitment to following the curriculum, you will need to seek out a willing sponsor. Success  will not come to fruition without one. As far as I’m concerned, friends are not allowed to be considered. Those you choose must decide to accept you and must be impartial to your goals and feelings. They will tell you the truth, despite how they think you may react. Please read my post “HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK”  at this link for further clarification on this subject https://danielandrewlockwood.com/2013/05/04/how-to-know-if-you-are-on-the-right-track/

Approaching this environment is not as overwhelming as you might think. The people here are highly motivated if not overjoyed to help you. If you thought you were alone in your pain, that’s the first idea that’s going out the window. Every meeting has in its traditions a statement that reads something like this, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop.”  That’s it; nothing else will be asked of you.

May you find the peace and happiness that evades so many. I wish you the best that life can offer.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

3. HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK

maze-primary

Sometimes, when we look toward that which we desire most, there seems to be an impassable labyrinth of nettle and pitfalls between where we stand and where we want to be. The potential journey seems so overwhelming that we simply never start no matter what  reward awaits us on the other side. Those who have made their way through this obstacle course will always tell you it was worth it. Desperation often equals determination, meaning that those who have nothing to lose will attempt anything to gain something. This does not necessarily mean one must hit bottom before making an attempt at a better life.

If you are willing to step forward into this unknown, there are three things I can suggest you to do that will at least let you know you’re moving in the right direction.

First– Follow the voice of someone on the other side.

What this means is that you cannot take navigation from those standing next to you. They don’t know the way any more than you do. Call out for guidance. Someone will always answer, but this doesn’t mean they are somewhere you want to be. These people must have in their lives what you want in yours. The best you are liable to get from them is the best they have to offer. Scrutinize and question, so you can be led by the elite. Once you have set foot on the proper path, your chosen leader will be able to see you, but you won’t be able to see them, so following instruction is critical. Here, where the next step is often obscured, we are not allowed to question the voice. Trust is absolutely necessary or progress will not manifest. If you do step in a direction of your own choosing, your guide will most likely lose sight of you, and starting over is often the only option. This isn’t necessarily the end of the attempt, but if you start over too much, your mentor will likely give up in favor of someone with more determination.  Keep in mind that others are waiting in line behind you for that same voice to lead them through the thicket.

Second– Allow criticism.

We cannot improve by repeating the same patterns of behavior that keep us bound to that which we no longer want. As I stated in the previous step, we must receive direction from those who have a high quality of life. This means we are going to get a lot of instruction on what must be abandoned. Old behaviors and thought patterns will have to be eliminated, while new skills and ideas will be offered. This will come in the form of criticism. There is a way to take it with honor and grace. You must drop the need to defend yourself and realize no one who truly cares for you will say anything that is not based in love. It won’t feel good at the moment, but being open to this is absolutely necessary.

Third– KNOW that you are probably going to get pissed at those who are telling you what to do.

I was blessed with the intuition this was probably going to happen no matter what. It did indeed come in torrents, but when I knew ahead of time that this emotion was a constant  potential, it didn’t feel nearly as bad as I knew it could have. When I first quit drinking I spent an entire year angry. I never let it disable me though.  I always took what was said as the truth, no matter what; which meant I was wrong a lot. Basically, I was mad at myself and this only served to continue renewing my determination to stick to the path.

These three steps can be applied to any area of self-improvement you wish to develop. Look to the skills you already possess. It will become clear this process automatically took place. Everything we learn, from driving a car to pursuing a martial art, will involve asking for and taking guidance while allowing for evaluation of our progress. Keep in mind I am not talking about becoming self-taught at any particular skill; one can go only so far with this attitude. I’m speaking of becoming a master at whatever we choose to focus on.

That’s it. This the best map I can offer on the subject. I know it’s not much, but it’s a heck of a lot better that proceeding with earplugs and a blindfold.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

WELCOME TO SELF-HELP AND RECOVERY FOR BEGINNERS!

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For both men and women, knowing where to begin a better life can be overwhelming. I’m only the doorman to tomorrow. I can show you where to start, but I will not tell you where to go.

“…it’s easier to undertake a journey when the entrance is clearly marked.”

When I first set out to seek out new avenues and new sources for self-improvement, I made a trip to my local book store expecting to find exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t. I stood there facing several hundred choices wondering where to start. Surely someone had written a beginner’s guide, a square one launching point that wasn’t overwhelming. My goal was to find something not only easy to read, but informative and entertaining. I sought plain and straight forward instruction on how to move ahead in my life. I wanted a resource that would offer the basics and inspire me to continue researching whatever subject might stimulate my interest.  After thumbing through several dozen publications, I found out rather quickly my thirst for knowledge was being offered to me through a fire hose. There was no doubt every answer conceivable lay buried in the pages of the volumes I was wavering in front of, but the process of sifting through endless manuals to look for what appealed to me was not one I was eager to attempt. For the most part, each title addressed a specific topic, and that was fine, but my tastes were much more generalized. What I longed for, even though I didn’t know it at the time, were the right questions. Eventually, through trial and error, I became interested in specific authors, various subjects, and diverse teachings. Even though the road I chose was slow and treacherous, I never stopped progressing. There is, however, little doubt in my mind, I’d be a lot further along than I am now if it had been somewhat less intimidating. It is my opinion that the absence of an easy first step keeps many a wandered traveler from finding their way home.

There was a time when I was truly certifiable. I had nothing in my world that someone would have wanted in theirs. In 1995 I was drinking two-fifths of vodka a day. Since July 28th of that same year, I have been in recovery. As the years progressed, I worked on various elements of my character that needed nurturing. My health improved as did the rest of my personal life. Abundance flowed in, while misfortune waned. In the summer of 2007, came one of my biggest wake-up calls. I had hit the high mark of my weight–347 pounds. After committing to a weight loss program early in 2009, I lost over 105 pounds in six months without loss of energy or strength. I now tip the scales at an average of 220. I’ve had heat stroke, carbon monoxide poisoning, viral pneumonia, MRSA (staph infections), pulmonary embolisms, and car accidents. There are those who may use similar events to convince others how unlucky they are; I use them to prove how fortunate I am. I’ve survived these and other temporary setbacks with flying colors. If attitude is everything, then I’m the direct result of the resolute belief that life gets better every day.

My attempt with this blog is not to provide a goal, but rather an introduction. I’m not a scholar, nor am I a counselor. As a matter of fact, I’m a plumber; a blue-collar worker who has no problems getting his hands dirty and breaking a sweat for a living. Hopefully, my background will offer an approachable and relaxed alternative for those just starting out. I know it’s easier to undertake a journey when the entrance is clearly marked. I’ll never tell anyone where to go, but I’ll be glad to talk about where I’ve been and if you want to visit these places, I’ll simply point the way.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood