Self Actualization

168. THIRTY YEARS IN RECOVERY

Well… 24 hours later than usual, but no matter. Here’s my yearly post –

I recall a day, actually the exact moment sometime back in the eighties when I made a decision that would change my life forever. I wanted to find out just how much I could drink and not have anyone suspect I was, in fact, totally hammered. Initially it was challenging and fun. Not only that, I was extremely successful, which fed my ego, the last thing in my life needing inflation. Even at the end of my “career” my own father was astonished when I told him I had a handle of rot gut vodka in me. He swore up and down he had no idea. This self-centered and highly dangerous game almost killed me. My closest colleagues had no idea the extent of my disease. I remained productive (at least at work), walked a straight line, and never slurred my speech. By the way, I’m not an idiot either, it’s very possible certain people knew my condition but were either hesitant or unfamiliar as how to approach me about addressing it. It was a game of deception, one that benefited no one whatsoever and, ultimately, it ended up harming countless innocent people. By the summer of 1994 my perception of reality was swiftly bending into the realm of torturous insanity, and the game became an unavoidable 24/7 nightmare. I was totally dependent on alcohol. Too much and I’d pass out, too little and I’d get the DTs.

I talk about my recovery many times on this blog, and to recap, I finally (and astonishingly) sobered up in the summer of 1995. July 28th to be exact. Strangely, in January of that same year I had made a vow to just die and get the pain and futility of my life over with. All I owned and earned was hopelessness. I felt I had no leverage to summon anything but oblivion, so I simply threw up my hands and waited for what I thought was going to be an inevitable outcome. I had no idea that being in a place of total surrender would invite the very thing that was missing from my life, guidance and direction offered and accepted without hesitation. I willingly put my faith and future into the hands and hearts of others. They say when the student is ready the teacher appears. As clichéd as it may sound, this was my experience. I walked into those early meetings a dry sponge. If it was suggested I did it. If it was directed, I did it. Some might suspect I would become a clone of the people who embraced me. Such was not the case. I took with gratitude the best they could give and shaped my own unique life. To this day I treasure and practice their gifts.

I’m glad my fate (and serendipitous faith) have steered me true. Three decades without a drop. It really does feel like I’ve lived two separate lives, and it does not feel like thirty years, thank God. It’s actually motivating that my self-spawned demons of the past are still easily heard and seen. It’s nice to be clear and focused about where I intend to progress, but there’s a strange comfort in constant recognition of what I don’t want, and that’s the greatest gift of life I possess.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

167. I AM AN ORANGE

I am an orange.

This obvious metaphor comes directly from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, and he spoke of it many times. While it crosses my mind frequently, it’s somewhat annoying because it tests me more than I’d like, and usually on a daily basis. The original question goes, “What comes out of an orange when it’s squeezed?” The answer is, of course, orange juice. Why? Because that’s what’s inside an orange to begin with. The answer is simple and undeniable. The comparison this is leading to is “What comes out of YOU when you get squeezed?”  Me? Well… when the pressure is turned up, and depending on the situation, for the most part I do my best to remain cool and rational, but I do react compulsively far more than I’m comfortable with, which means, yes, I do still lose my temper, get frustrated, and raise my voice.

I have a healthy jealousy of people who can keep their emotional pendulum from swinging too much. I work with a few and their approach to life is enviable, at least to me. Mine often moves around as if it were a four-year old hopped up on birthday cake in a bouncy house. Most of the time my attitude is a mixture of serious and goofy, if that makes any sense. I stay on point with almost all of my responsibilities, but as I do I welcome associated humor and positive angles with a practiced mindset, which often leads me to a harmless humorous remark, but occasionally I receive a heaping dose of foot in mouth.

I recall a time, about fifteen years ago where I was in the job and I noticed another trade grab what I thought was our sixty foot roll of 2” soft copper, a very expensive item. I was totally convinced that they had stolen it, and I lost my mind. I was in full emotional meltdown and it’s a wonder the crew didn’t gang up and beat me to dust. Have you ever recognized those inevitable unwanted and distasteful behaviors your parents informally programmed you with come out of you? I did that day, and my reflex was instant shame and remorse. As you could have guessed, I found OUR roll within a few minutes of my tirade and realized what they had was theirs all along. Looking to remedy the situation as soon as possible I left the job, bought a case of Gatorade along with two dozen donuts and headed back looking to make what amends I could. They were grateful and appreciative of my gesture (it was a 100+ degree day and we were outside) and in the end all was forgiven, but the memory now has a permanent resonation to it.

A decade and a half later I’ve had a few slips, but nothing close to what happened that day. Since then I’ve made consciously focused efforts to react calmly, and not only that, respond slower to situations that would have had me tackled at the speed of sound into a straitjacket in my youth. These days I take the time to analyze the situation and approach whatever’s going on with logic and information rather than judgement and emotion. One might think in doing so I’m repressing feelings that should be expressed, and I AM an advocate of letting those ‘spirits’ out, both positive and negative, as quickly as possible, but there’s a secret many may not know about. When I feel a dark reaction building and I take what amounts to nothing more than a fleeting moment to face it and acknowledge it, I’m given the power to transform it, not ignore or bury it.

As I confessed straight away in the first paragraph, my approach is not perfect, and all too often I fantasize about going off on a tangent of colorful insults, comebacks, defenses, and threats when I think my bubble of serenity and conviction is being invaded. Self-analysis in these circumstances is not equal to self-doubt, it’s an indication of an underlying need and longing to grow beyond instinct and past ego.

Those who speak and behave firmly and softly with focus and reason, whether it be as an action or reaction, command attention, respect, and action. Those who do the reverse invite an audience that will ignore, loathe, and resist them.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

166. SEEKING THE GOOD

Some believe the idea of right and wrong, good and evil, or sincerity and hypocrisy are a made up human construct designed to circumvent the highly outdated and stereotypical concept of ‘survival of the fittest’. Most think of the ‘fittest’ in terms of whoever persists no matter what, especially at the expense of others, which, in my mind, is the lowest form of human existence. We are creatures capable of great expression and accomplishments. We have skills and passions that can lift mankind far above the superficial and myopic idea of aspiring to be nothing more than king of the hill. We are not separate from everyone else, and we are not meant to be. No one can live without a chain of continuous connection to the whole. No one grows their own food without someone else supplying seed. No one weaves their own cloth for clothing, or provides shelter and protection without tools others have manufactured. The real truth, all too often ignored, is that we are ALL connected, in flesh, spirit, and purpose. When we help others, we summon prosperity, and the more we help, the more we benefit. When we harm others, we invite hardship, and the more we do this, the more we suffer. It’s the difference between projecting Love… and peddling fear.

Compelling evidence exists as to why mankind is different (not better, by the way) from all the rest of life on this planet. This observation is not one of self-importance of arrogance. It is quite simply a trait that no other species owns, and that characteristic is the ability to transcend our instincts. We can, when we choose to, embrace actions which lift us well beyond primitive impulses.

There are seven basics –

  • Curiosity
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Anguish
  • Nurture/assist
  • Pleasure/lust
  • Play

These qualities are able to embrace and kick-start many offshoots, but some advanced abilities will only develop if we consciously decide to rise above, or beyond, our basic programming. These are what we normally define as morals or values.

Some of the top ones are –

  • Truth
  • Compassion
  • Humility
  • Open-mindedness
  • Patience
  • Gratitude
  • Mercy

So, we come to the basis for exploring the real differences between what indicates someone’s conduct as good or bad. I would say it’s rather easy to define the ideas of good vs. bad in terms mankind generally agrees upon.

Common examples are –

  • Kind/cruel
  • Rational/unreasonable
  • Charitable/selfish
  • Benevolent/Vicious
  • Complimentary/insulting
  • Modest/arrogant
  • Constructive/destructive

From my experience and observations these conclusions are not subjective, in other words, it isn’t just my opinion which identifies what is acceptable or unacceptable, it’s pretty much rock solid what almost all of us agree upon.

I’d like to touch on another important thought which blends in with this discussion. One of the most misunderstood beliefs of our time is that ‘competition is good’. I disagree, vehemently. I talk about this in my recently published book, but it deserves a quick summary here. The energy behind pure competition is greed, and greed (whether it be fueled by money, power, or image), taken to its inevitable end, leaves only one person standing and everyone else with nothing. It’s modus operandi is destruction. Cooperation, on the other hand, has accomplished everything in history that’s been of value and advancement for the masses. It hands out rewards for all. It’s energy is construction. There are those who will be quick to argue that competition has produced the majority of innovation and growth. Yes, it has… when it’s been done under the guise of cooperation, which is why sports have rulebooks, laws exist (that are supposed to) prevent monopolies, and regulations keep people safe in favor of corporate profits. These are just a few examples among many. This type of competition I applaud as long as checks and balances are strictly maintained. Let’s face it, a football game with no rules would be completely unwatchable, and only one company owning all the oil on earth would be an economic nightmare.

Taking the previous point in mind, along with several others, I feel there are even more refined indicators of whether or not a person or group of people are either ethical or immoral.

  • Ethical people are quick companions, immoral ones see everyone as potential enemies.
  • Ethical people enthusiastically seek solutions, immoral ones bitterly showcase problems.
  • Ethical people are prone to take responsibility, immoral ones are quick to blame.
  • Ethical people forgive, immoral ones want revenge.
  • Ethical people want what’s best for others, immoral ones care only for themselves.
  • Ethical people give credit where it’s due, immoral ones steal the spotlight.
  • Ethical people encourage with Love and patience, immoral ones demoralize with fear and defiance.

Now, not ALL of the examples above are 100% constant. For instance, blame is sometimes totally justified, however it must be administered so the party in question does not repeat behavior which would cause potential harm or chaos to others involved.

I feel it’s necessary to clarify that not all who are self-centered and unprincipled remain that way. People change all the time, and I personally know a few myself. It’s also important to remember that many good people occasionally misstep. Being thoughtless, crass, rude and ignorant from time to time can slip through the cracks, BUT… it’s not normally the nature or objective of the person who stumbled, and they always have shame and apology attached to the back end of their behavior. On the other hand, there are those in society rejoice in such interactions, they seek every opportunity to bully and harass people, and they never do the reverse, that is slip and offer complimentary actions only to regret it later. Personally I do not believe in a ‘grey area’ when it comes to our nature and objectives. If you think you ride the fence when it comes to who and what you support, then all that does is empower the aggressors and tyrants, which, congratulations, makes you their ally.

One last thought. Questioning if you lean one way or another is, of course, an important introspection, but an even more valuable and revealing exercise is to ask oneself, “Who are the people you admire?” Who are your idols, heroes, teachers, advisors, and chosen leaders? They are the mirrors to who we really are, because we tend to want emulate those we respect, or perhaps even more importantly, we see ourselves in others.

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With Love and compassion,

Daniel Andrew Lockwood

164. GODSHOTS PODCAST WITH LYDIA CORNELL #4 – BOOK DISCUSSION

One thing’s for sure, I’m blessed to have serendipitously met Lydia Cornell whose ethics and principles concerning self-help and recovery are nearly identical to mine. Both of us want a world free from abuse. Peacefully eradicating outer circumstances is a shared concern, but our main goal is to overcome those clandestine forces we unknowingly invite which seek to destroy us from within. 

The older I get the more I recognize that everyone carries a history of pain. Some manipulate their track record into a manifesto of self-destructive excuses, while others use their situations to try and showcase how one can rise above those experiencing similar circumstances. Not that I want to throw myself under the bus, but I have explored both paths which, if nothing else, grants me clarity from each perspective. Thankfully, I’ve walked the one which has the most power to keep me alive for quite some time now, though I’ve slipped occasionally.

In this episode we talk about the recent publication of my book. I’m pleased to say that Lydia agrees my message is one of hope, encouragement, and purpose. There’s a link and information in my last blog post as to where one can purchase it.

Please keep in mind that I am not the only person she has interviewed. In fact her podcast goes back years with many wonderful people who also feel and express themselves similarly. I encourage you to explore the variety of guests she has produced.

Thank you Lydia for the opportunity to continue our occasional partnership of optimistic action.

Click here for the podcast – 

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

163. PUBLISHED

 

Well…

I’m finally published. Took long enough, but it’s done. If I’m aware of anything, however, it’s knowing that having a book ‘out there’ equates with nothing more than putting on athletic shoes before a marathon, the real race lies ahead, and all I’ve done is gotten dressed. I’d better start running now, because my age and health are catching up to another inevitable finish line, and the clock is ticking.

I’m not overwhelmed by what lies ahead, I’ve climbed many mountains, and I’ll continue to do so as long as I seek challenges and adventures. What’s different about this journey is two-fold. Firstly,  I do feel somewhat ‘blindfolded’. Normally my intended path, while often set with obstacles and trials, is fairly well focused, but this time there’s a fog between where I am and where I will end up. I know what I want in the end, I know what outcome I demand, but there’s a huge difference this time because I simply don’t have access to the tools to plan and execute my trip, which means I need to rely on advice and guidance from people who are already where I want to be. It honestly feels a lot like when I first sobered up. I need a ton of faith and a whole lot less ego if I’m to take the proper direction seriously. Teacher/student is my only choice. I don’t have time for trial and error.  Secondly, my health is seriously holding me back from intent. My arthritis which is in every joint now, is compounding,  and my days are filled with severe, constant pain. Some are indeed better than others, but when it’s bad it interferes with everything. Luckily my work as a new construction plumber is still up to the quality I demand from myself and frankly, it’s a nice distraction when I stay focused and busy, but when I get home I fall into my chair and scream. My ‘free’ time is rarely used these days to follow up on motivations of continuing my vision. But I do promise this, I WILL find a way, I always have.

If you’re curious about the content of my publication I will say this, it’s similar in nature to my blog, but much more concise and usable for anyone looking to find a way to start a life path towards both purpose and reward. Some subjects are to be expected, but the majority of them are fairly unique and it all threads into a fantastic finish line, I promise. I’ve had two professionals in the field of recovery and psychology read it so far, and they basically both handed it the same highly praised complement, which relieved me greatly.

It’s written from the perspective of an ordinary person, and it’s easy to read too. It’s also short, only about 100 pages. I’m hesitant to put a link here to where one can find it, but it would be both disrespectful and ignorant to not do so.

Click here  – Insight out

The price for the hardback is WAY too high (as has been pointed out by a trusted friend) and I am working on lowering the cost, but the paperback is okay, and the Kindle version is totally affordable. It is on multiple web sites like Barnes & Noble and even Walmart. If you’d rather not use the link just type in my full name, Daniel Andrew Lockwood, and it should pop up. I do ask one favor, not for me, but for anyone else looking to find a solid path in life.  If you do indeed read it, please leave a review so others can be enticed into discovering it.

Lastly, I did not write this seeking fame or money, and anyone who knows me also knows this is 100% correct. I don’t give a damn about either of those things. I already have a great job and I’m picky about my social life. I’m also not stupid. If it does gain momentum and notice, then I’ll gladly play the part, because in the end all that matters is helping as many people as possible. I came to the conclusion many years ago that life is not about me, it never has been, and this tome is the result of that belief.

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With Love and compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

 

 

162. 29 YEARS IN RECOVERY

Twenty-nine years ago today I took my last drink, but twenty-nine years, four months, and nine days ago, when I was obviously feeling pretty lousy, I sat down and wrote myself a small letter. It was most likely during one of my countless ten-hour overnight janitorial shifts in either a Marshalls or TJ Maxx clothing store. Even though it’s been almost three decades back, I can still instantly access the pain of that time along with all the feelings of hopelessness I was drowning in.

One might think those memories would be a burden, nightmares meant to be left behind and never revisited, but that’s not the case. Those periods where my future was hanging by a thread continue even now to provide leverage that makes manufacturing my daily dose of gratitude all too easy.

The note I’m referencing was lost for almost twenty-seven years, and a long time passed where I’d forgotten about it. After writing it I carried it in my wallet and read it every day. Although it did not directly stop me from drinking, I do feel it planted a seed. That seed began to grow through a continued groping in the darkness looking for a way out. The missing element which completed my escape was surrender, and by surrender, I mean verbal surrender.

It might sound a bit too ‘metaphysical’ for some here, but I really do believe writing down what we want AND eventually saying aloud that you’ll do anything to find salvation and absolution are two of the most powerful tools we humans have at our disposal. I’ve experienced it as well as witnessed it. 

The letter is a bit difficult to actually read, so here’s the text –

March 18, 1995

The next time I feel the urge to drink I promise to sit down and read this. I feel like shit, I’m depressed, and I want to die. I’m losing sleep and I’m losing my mind. I’m dragging everybody down with me. I can’t eat right and I’m hurting myself. I must change the way I think. I must turn to God and ask whatever is necessary that I may live again before I die. I’m tired of being scared and forgetting things. There is always something better to do than drink. I’m wasting money and I’m pushing my luck. I don’t talk to my friends anymore. I’m ashamed. I want to like myself again. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of making excuses.

Reading this now, 29 years sober, I’m grateful I can still touch the past, for without it I wouldn’t have the added value that makes today priceless.

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With Love and compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

160. TWO POWERFUL QUESTIONS

One of my favorite self-empowering tools is the knowledge that life can be greatly manipulated by how I chose to shift and reword my questions. I’m not speaking of what I ask others (though there’s an obvious importance on that front) it’s the internalized ones which have had the most influence throughout my lifetime. There’s a dangerous generalized belief that there is no such thing as a bad question. Those who feel this is some sort of rock solid truth are highly misinformed. Social media is crammed with videos documenting the consequences of people having asked bad questions. The ensuing all too often catastrophic outcomes of thousands of people acting upon bad decisions is abundant proof. Unfortunately my own history has reflected some dumb, unhealthy, and downright self-destructive questions too, not the least of which was “Why not just get drunk every day?” While this may sound made up, I assure you I really did ask myself that one. Not only that, I have a vivid memory of where and when it happened. Self-talk is insanely powerful, and I’ve found by experience that what I consider doing, either with focus, or more likely from a subconscious footing, I will more than likely act upon eventually.

I’ve already covered this topic a few times, but there’s two specific questions I’ve yet to address, and I feel they are heavyweight contenders for how to stay focused and grounded in life. If we keep ourselves on track for clear and worthy goals, then our actions and behaviors will automatically align with manifesting our intent. Here is the first question –

“If you knew you had only one hour to live, felt good, and weren’t scared, what would you do?”

I know that no one out there would say “I need to get to the bank, mow the lawn, or finish my laundry.” Neither would they get out their luggage and fill it with as many valuables as they could so they could be prepared for what happens next, just in case. When I’ve asked this question of others, and yes, I’ve asked it a lot, I’ve heard two, and only two serious answers. The first answer is rare and commendable. On occasion someone will say they would spend the time alone in silence, prayer, and gratitude. This is indeed an honorable and noteworthy exit, but it’s not my choice. Mine aligns with the majority, and it sounds something like this – “I would make a few phone calls to thank and say goodbye to those who have meant the most to me in my life, and the rest of the time I would spend reminiscing with and holding the person I Love the most.”

The importance of this question, and the resulting answer, is that it forces us to realize what in life has true importance. To die with wonderful memories and Loving relationships is really the only goal which has value. To reach the end and know we have been of humble service, leaving behind a world that is better than we found it, is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. There are of course a great many who live selfish, self-centered lives, but when they face the end the only conclusion they can come to is that it was all for naught. A lifetime of nothing but egocentric accumulation will never translate into currency that pays for going out peacefully and magnanimously.

The second question follows up neatly with the first, and it’s a bit more specific when it comes to refining a lifelong mission. It can be stated two ways and they are –

“What would you like your friends an acquaintances to say about you after you die?”

Or another way to put it would be –

“In one sentence, what would you want written on your tombstone?”

I have to say if I could look into the future and witness my colleagues talking about me after I had died, and the best thing they had to say was “Man, he sure had a nice car!” (or something akin to that shallow of an observation) I’d be mortified. In other words, if my legacy was nothing but material in nature, I would know I had failed to live up to my ethics and principles.

I do indeed have a vision of what I would want on my tombstone, and it really sums up the underlying energy that pushes and guides me.

“Here lies a man whose enthusiasm refused to die.”

In the end we are only as good as the changes we’ve left behind.

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With Love and compassion,

Daniel Andrew Lockwood

159. A LIFE OF DECLARATIONS

I had no real ambitions as a boy. My motivations were mostly based on doing my best to avoid fist fights in school while trying to sidestep the same type of situation, but worse, at home. Fleeting daydreams of what my world might turn out to be as an adult were fantasies more than goals. Even if I had wanted to pursue a focused future, my parents never planted the seeds of ambition, nor did I give the idea any serious thought on my own. I suppose I wanted it to be related to my predilection for artistic pursuits, but my parents told me straight out that there was no money in such a frivolous talent. Advanced education was seen as something my privileged, well-off friends could (and did) take advantage of.

In my case hindsight is extremely revealing as well as a little spooky because everything I said I wanted to do, actually happened. I clearly recall a pivotal moment in third grade. I was standing around with a bunch of my classmates, all of whom were rattling off what they wanted to be when they grew up, cop, fireman, astronaut, soldier, etc. The standard generic ‘heroes’ at the time were all name-dropped. When it came my turn, I thought some humor would be in order and I gleefully stated I wanted to be a garbageman. Yes, it got a laugh, but I had no idea how much power that tiny declaration carried, and frankly, I didn’t connect the dots until many years later.

One of my first real jobs ended up taking place at elementary school. Somehow, around fourth grade, I wrangled my way into getting paid to help the school janitor, Stu Morelli, take the trash out after lunch every day. I did miss some recess because of it, but I didn’t mind. If I recall correctly my duties netted me about fifty cents a week, which equals about three dollars in purchasing power today, enough to satisfy the mindless wallet of a ten-year-old.

Fast forward seven years and I found myself working night shifts at Target… as a janitor, which is really just a glorified, indoor garbageman. I ended up blindly following this career path for fifteen years, and while I eventually got really good at my duties, which included supervision, ordering supplies, fixing equipment, hiring and firing hundreds of people, and eventually earning the reputation of having the best and cleanest store in the city, my life remained woefully unfulfilled. At this point I STILL hadn’t recognized that my current position in life had aligned with what I had said all those years ago. It was during this time another seemingly random event altered the course of my life.

During lunch on one of our shifts I was sitting in the breakroom with the rest of the crew when the subject of the ideal life came up. I was maybe twenty years old by this time. When it came my turn, I was rather unprepared. I hesitated for a bit and in a moment of speculative inspiration I said, “I suppose I’d love to be in a position to provide jobs and better lives for the people I care about”. Nothing specific as to how to get there came to mind, but the objective came from a place of absolute sincerity. As fate would have it, that’s exactly what happened.

Eventually our employment by Target was terminated and the scope of work taken over by a subcontractor who kept us hired in the same positions. Some years later I was approached by my employer to take care of several Payless Shoesource stores here in town, maybe two dozen or so. At the time I was running janitorial duties in a Kmart and was too overwhelmed with additional obligations to bear the extra load. I had recently hired my roommate to be my lead man since he had lost his job at a tire company. I suggested to management he could possibly shift his responsibilities to earn some extra money and handle the contract himself. They both agreed and he took on the work load swiftly and efficiently, and as he got busier, I soon had to acquire a new lead man. At the time all we were required to do was to scrub and wax Payless’ backrooms, that’s it. However, several weeks later he approached me asking me how to clean their carpets… which was NOT a duty agreed to by our company. A store manager had asked him to do this on the side, so I covertly ‘borrowed’ the necessary equipment and met him at the first store for a training session. As time went on, he picked up more and more side jobs from them. Lock and safe combination changes, painting and repairing walls, parking lot clean ups, building shelving, fixing toilets, basically anything maintenance related, though indoor cleaning services remained the backbone of his income. He eventually took over the contract from our previous employers and he became the go-to guy for three districts, or about 100 stores. When one of the district managers was to be transferred to Seattle, and wanted the same convenient services there, I volunteered to move and work for him to help expand the company.

Within five years he had secured a maintenance contract for the entire company, more than 3,500 stores in several countries. As time went on his only direct employees were eventually limited to the original metro area as he farmed out everything else, basically giving Payless only one number to call when something needed fixed or improved. My own Father ended up an office manager for years for him and two of my best friends were also employed for quite some time. He also approached and acquired Einstein Bagels with the same strategy, though I don’t know if he got the entire chain. Payless is out of business these days, but he was smart enough to see the ship sinking, so he didn’t drown with them. These days he’s pared way down, but don’t fret, he’s well off enough now to not have to ever worry about his funds running out.

I’m NOT taking one iota of credit for his obvious ambition and years of hard, meticulous work, that’s all on him, and thank God for it, but it’s nice to know I had a hand in starting him on the path he continues to walk to this day, and it WAS, and continues to be a manifestation of that spontaneous statement I’d said in the mid-eighties.

The ultimate reveal is this. Everything of significance that has come to pass in my life has been born of some sort of statement. A thought all by itself (which of course precedes everything) was not enough. It turns out what has been voiced, both humorously and solemnly carries some sort of special energy, at least from my perspective. There’s not an event in my life I don’t recognize having as a hand in creating once I’ve spoken an opinion about how my future should unfold, and that goes for outcomes both wanted and unwanted… unfortunately. I don’t even have to dig all that far into my history to reveal those points.

So if you’re like me, be mindful of what you say. You might end up either the richest person in history, or the most miserable person in the lowest gutter. Personally I’m glad I’ve said more constructive intentions than self-destructive ones, and yes, I’ve said, and own, both.

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With Love and compassion,

Daniel Andrew Lockwood


158. DOMINO PROBLEMS

I know the burden of problems, the feeling of a hundred thousand overwhelming issues weighing down upon the spirit, crushing optimism and reinforcing hopelessness. When we are buried in the massive wreckage of addiction, the last thing we want to be reminded of is that all the carnage we’ve caused is irreparable. As a result we keep going, refusing to acknowledge our actions, intentionally ignorant of direction, apathetic to outcome. We run faster and with increased blindness towards an inevitable conclusion, oblivion.

This oblivion we sprint towards has, in its wake, collateral damage of a horrific nature, and our suspicions of this ruin ensure we arrogantly remain blindly on target. Even if we did glance back it would only serve to speed up our irrational resolve. The suicidal vehicle we become does its best to avoid even the slightest awareness of its consequences, and it only vaguely knows its final destination. Ironically, in this situation, we’ve convinced ourselves that self-termination is more welcome than letting the past catch up to us.

This belief, this self-fulfilling prophecy that corrective actions are futile is a conveniently egotistical lie. The proof that this point of view is indeed a lie presents itself in the lives of those who have had the humility to do nothing more than take their foot off the gas and ask someone else to drive. When I stopped drinking in 1995 I was only weeks from death. Weeks. My guess is I had maybe three months left at most. Even I, twenty-eight plus years later, am flabbergasted I’m alive, let alone productive, responsible, and at peace. The truth is I’m NOT one in a million, I’m one OF millions. I’ve gone from the center of the earth to the surface of the moon, and oddly, the trip wasn’t all that difficult.

Yes, the wreckage of our aftermath I spoke of earlier must be dealt with once our course corrects, but it is often not the overwhelming task it appears to be, and there’s an easy way to illustrate this point. Think of our past difficulties as if we were setting up dominos, only the longer we line them up, the larger and closer together they get. It might start with being late more than normal and proceed into treating people rudely, then avoiding debts, and then our health deteriorates, and finally DUI’s and jail time. While this example of a timeline may sound stereotypically simple, the point is still easily understood. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not separate. Once we start, we accumulate patterns, they compound and gain negative power, meaning by the time we are at our most destructive, we are continuing everything all at once. What was once a small storm has turned into a hurricane.

So what happens if we turn around with both courage and guidance and push back on the biggest domino? What takes place if we face our largest set of problems first and tackle them? Well, it eventually loses balance and topples into the one behind it, which, by the way, is smaller. Then THAT one falls into the next one which is even smaller, and so on. The point is that if we correct the largest things first, then by attachment we are on our way to attending to almost everything else. Keep in mind I said they ALSO get closer the bigger they are, so there may come a time when the smallest ones may need a separate nudge.

Let’s illustrate a less intimidating example. Dropping a two pack a day smoking habit, which costs someone an average of six-hundred dollars a month (or over seven thousand dollars a year), not only increases health benefits, but adds funds to take care of possibly neglected bills. In turn this could ease mental anguish and lead to a better nights sleep which produces more energy to potentially keep the house clean and walk the dog. All this comes about from doing the big stuff first.

I get the tendency to look at everything as a group and see a monster we’ve created that’s just too big to handle, but I PROMISE it’s an illusion, one that the ego keeps in place so we have continued excuses for destructive behavior.

At the end of July 1995 I owed thousands from bounced checks. I had burned bridges that needed to be totally rebuilt. My health was, at the time, at a new low, and I had nothing in my future to entice me to keep going. You may not believe this, but it took less than one year of facing my demons to virtually erase all my pervious iniquities. One thing handled led to three, which took care of ten, and then fifty, and so on.  

Keep this in mind. There are legions of people that were worse than you (and me) who have managed to emerge from the dark spiral of desperation and live lives of high value. They stand as steadfast examples of bravery over cowardice, and modesty over vanity. Let their path inspire yours.

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With Love and compassion,

Daniel Andrew Lockwood

157. 28 YEARS IN RECOVERY

It’s been an odd year. My last job was so involved that I’ve had little time to attend to my blog. If you’re from Denver, or you’re a South Park fan, then you know about Casa Bonita, which is really a bit of an indoor carnival/Mexican restaurant. If memory serves, it seats up to seven hundred at a time, so it’s damn big. Since the previous menu needed purged and badly upgraded a world-class chef was also brought on board to revamp the menu. Both her skills and her personality are impressive. The food is indeed much better as are the inner workings of the establishment itself. From May of last year to June of this year I was the plumbing foreman in charge of the remodel. We had to sign NDA’s (understandably) and other paperwork that would allow the creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, to turn us into cartoon characters if they so choose. It was a huge challenge and I’m glad it’s over.

During this time I’ve been dealing with hyper increased arthritis, which my rheumatologist says I have in every joint now. I can even feel it in my jaw which clicks and crunches, but thank God it doesn’t keep me from being a blabbermouth, at least not yet. Two weeks ago I went in for a pro-op to get my left knee replaced on August 2nd (the right one was done a year and a half ago) only to find out, in their words, I have massive blood clots in both lungs and behind my left knee. The blood thinners I’m on are causing migraines which are pretty disabling, but they are getting better. Also, because of the clots I have trouble breathing which adds to my energy level being pretty low. For now (but not forever, I like to work too much) I’m on short term disability which is a nice safety net. 

One thing’s for sure, other people are definitely going though much worse than me, in fact the weekend I went into the hospital a beloved coworker was in a horrific motorcycle accident. He’s alive but his injuries are extensive. Another of my coworkers has cancer. They are on my mind all the time.

If all these events are a test to see if I’ll turn back to the bottle, then I’m winning hands down. This path never enters my mind as a way to escape. Last night I had a lucid dream where I was using again. I was lying in bed, knowing I was ‘awake’ and asking myself if my wife could smell my breath while I tried to go to the bathroom without looking like I was drunk. These episodes feel as real as anything in life and it always takes me a while to shake off the illusion. I’ve said it before, my occasional nightmares of slipping are a precious gift that keeps the horror close, even twenty-eight years later.

My wife bought me the item in the picture above. It’s nice she cares and celebrates with me.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood