Month: June 2024

161. MY D*** EGO

Of all the things holding me back in life, little compares to… myself. Nothing ‘out there’, no weird circumstance or unforeseen event has ever come close to overshadowing my own well practiced (and often subconscious ability) to set up roadblocks. What should have taken the metaphorical mile has often turned into a totally random cross country road trip with all kinds of dangerous layovers and distractions. I’m ever so slightly envious of those who practice myopic vision when it comes to reaching their goals. I’m not talking about becoming so narrow minded that I’d turn into some sort of bigoted dirtbag, but I’d like just enough of the skill to keep me from allowing petty, useless, and self-indulgent diversions to pull me off course.

I suppose my number one stumbling block is a tendency to react with a clenched jaw and thousand mile stare when I’m asked if I’ve done something before I’ve had a chance to follow through with my intentions, especially if it’s brought up more than once. That’s my ego on full blown display. My poor feelings have been hurt and now I’m going to go into some sort of insanely illogical juvenile defiance tantrum. For instance, if I mention that I need to wash my car, and three people ask me when I’m going to do it before I’ve gotten around to it, my knee-jerk programming says, “Screw it, let the dirt eat it to the frame, I’ll show them.” Wow. Talk about suicide mode for actually getting things done, yet time and again I’ve chosen conceit over humility, and the only person who gets crushed is me.

When I look back and evaluate the majority of self-damage, it becomes overwhelmingly clear that my health has suffered the most. Fifteen years past where I should have scheduled my first colonoscopy, I’m finally moving forward with it. Better late than never I suppose. And YES, it’s been brought up a lot in the last decade and a half, but when it has been mentioned it’s always been with Love and concern attached, never anger or harshness. About six weeks ago I had my second knee replacement surgery and I did NOT want to do the intestinal procedure before then just in case something bad showed up and kept me from moving forward with my impending arthroplasty. What originally put things off even more, however, was that my knee operation had been scheduled to take place almost one year ago. And guess why? Ultimately my ego cornered me into a very dangerous situation.

In 2015 I had back surgery for a slipped disc. Less than 24 hours after I had gone home I found myself back in the hospital for a total of nine days because of… pulmonary embolisms. I had zero energy and could not move. After massive doses of blood thinners and constant monitoring, my doctor announced that they had been successfully dissolved. The physician treating me said I went down to about a 3% chance of survival at one point. They also told me I needed to be on blood thinners for life, Eliquis to be specific. I did so for maybe three months after and blew it off. Why? Because I’m an idiot, that’s why. A few years later I ended up with a clot in my right leg the size of a banana. More hospital bed time, more prescribing blood thinners, more me letting my pride drive the bus. And this brings us to ten months ago when clots showed up in my lungs again, this time the size of ping-pong balls. I know for a fact because saw the scans myself. What was supposed to be my pre-op visit for my left knee turned into a justifiable crisis because I told them I was short of breath at the appointment, which prompted the staff to insist I immediately visit the emergency room, thank God. This time I was incarcerated for only three days.

I detest drugs. Being in recovery now for 28+ years is something I want to keep intact. I don’t want to be dependent on anything resembling addiction, but honestly that’s my ego rearing its head again thinking it knows better. For the moment my life is dependent on certain supplements like Eliquis, but I also have to take steroids to battle my rheumatoid arthritis which for the past ten years, and especially the past four, has dropped like a piano on me.

There’s an abundance of similar examples going back to my childhood which reflect patterns of deliberate ignorance in my life. It’s painfully obvious now that the older I get the less I can allow such behavior to continue. Honestly the only thing which has acted as water to my self-destructive infernos can be summed up with a single word… surrender. And when I say surrender I mean when an outside solution to my problems presents itself, no defense is to be allowed at all.

I think there’s an esoteric strength that comes with willfully abandoning that part of our ego which rots our lives. It lies in the in the hands and pleas that reach out to us. It comes from the ones who only want the best for us without asking for anything in return but our continued presence, and if that isn’t pure Love, I don’t know what is.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

160. TWO POWERFUL QUESTIONS

One of my favorite self-empowering tools is the knowledge that life can be greatly manipulated by how I chose to shift and reword my questions. I’m not speaking of what I ask others (though there’s an obvious importance on that front) it’s the internalized ones which have had the most influence throughout my lifetime. There’s a dangerous generalized belief that there is no such thing as a bad question. Those who feel this is some sort of rock solid truth are highly misinformed. Social media is crammed with videos documenting the consequences of people having asked bad questions. The ensuing all too often catastrophic outcomes of thousands of people acting upon bad decisions is abundant proof. Unfortunately my own history has reflected some dumb, unhealthy, and downright self-destructive questions too, not the least of which was “Why not just get drunk every day?” While this may sound made up, I assure you I really did ask myself that one. Not only that, I have a vivid memory of where and when it happened. Self-talk is insanely powerful, and I’ve found by experience that what I consider doing, either with focus, or more likely from a subconscious footing, I will more than likely act upon eventually.

I’ve already covered this topic a few times, but there’s two specific questions I’ve yet to address, and I feel they are heavyweight contenders for how to stay focused and grounded in life. If we keep ourselves on track for clear and worthy goals, then our actions and behaviors will automatically align with manifesting our intent. Here is the first question –

“If you knew you had only one hour to live, felt good, and weren’t scared, what would you do?”

I know that no one out there would say “I need to get to the bank, mow the lawn, or finish my laundry.” Neither would they get out their luggage and fill it with as many valuables as they could so they could be prepared for what happens next, just in case. When I’ve asked this question of others, and yes, I’ve asked it a lot, I’ve heard two, and only two serious answers. The first answer is rare and commendable. On occasion someone will say they would spend the time alone in silence, prayer, and gratitude. This is indeed an honorable and noteworthy exit, but it’s not my choice. Mine aligns with the majority, and it sounds something like this – “I would make a few phone calls to thank and say goodbye to those who have meant the most to me in my life, and the rest of the time I would spend reminiscing with and holding the person I Love the most.”

The importance of this question, and the resulting answer, is that it forces us to realize what in life has true importance. To die with wonderful memories and Loving relationships is really the only goal which has value. To reach the end and know we have been of humble service, leaving behind a world that is better than we found it, is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. There are of course a great many who live selfish, self-centered lives, but when they face the end the only conclusion they can come to is that it was all for naught. A lifetime of nothing but egocentric accumulation will never translate into currency that pays for going out peacefully and magnanimously.

The second question follows up neatly with the first, and it’s a bit more specific when it comes to refining a lifelong mission. It can be stated two ways and they are –

“What would you like your friends an acquaintances to say about you after you die?”

Or another way to put it would be –

“In one sentence, what would you want written on your tombstone?”

I have to say if I could look into the future and witness my colleagues talking about me after I had died, and the best thing they had to say was “Man, he sure had a nice car!” (or something akin to that shallow of an observation) I’d be mortified. In other words, if my legacy was nothing but material in nature, I would know I had failed to live up to my ethics and principles.

I do indeed have a vision of what I would want on my tombstone, and it really sums up the underlying energy that pushes and guides me.

“Here lies a man whose enthusiasm refused to die.”

In the end we are only as good as the changes we’ve left behind.

Please follow my blog, comment and share as you wish.

With Love and compassion,

Daniel Andrew Lockwood