“I do not walk down the road I’ve chosen to get further away from what I wish to leave behind. I do it to get closer to that which I seek”
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
Self Help
47. NO LIMITS
“If we hold ourselves back by believing we have limitations, then we are destined to be ruled by those who believe they do not.”
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
45. CHANGE YOUR LIFE – LOSE YOUR LUGGAGE
“You have NO idea what I’ve been through.” I’ve heard this frequently from those who have walked a road of suffering and yes, it’s true, I don’t know; honestly it doesn’t matter. I’m not being harsh or cold, but we cannot move forward without letting go of the past, and I’d bet my life on it. If you really do want help, or know someone who does, the best thing is stop worrying about where you came from and start caring about where you are going. Don’t think that what once happened is doomed to repetition. Don’t talk about how others have let you down, or how you’ve let yourself down, and don’t relive it, just leave it behind. No more sentences are allowed that begin with “it’s too bad…….” or “what if….” This is the ONLY way to progress. Excuses are the enemy. They are bred exclusively from what cannot be changed or affected. EVERYONE who has stepped from chaos into harmony has done this.
I’ve been taught that most people go through life with two dominating mindsets. They’re consumed by worrying about the future or regretting what has happened. Neither of these exercises are productive, and I ought to know, I was a master of the game. When I was focused on what I couldn’t modify or influence I had little to no time to savor the moment let alone act upon it. I spent most of my waking hours looking for ways to blame. Remember this – choosing to live a life of re-action over a life of pro-action is self-imposed slavery. I’m not talking about charging through the days aggressively, I’m talking about improving the functions of being awake, aware, and alert.
It is okay, however, to reminisce and plan. Neither of these attitudes are based in remorse or victimization. I choose to not live in days gone by, but that does not equal forgetting about what is inevitably going to harm me; old patterns and habits. I also choose not fantasize or dwell upon the “worst case scenario” but that doesn’t keep me from preparing for the possibility of bad things.
Self-respect (NOT arrogance) is the goal of all who are motivated to change their lives and their futures. Self-pity is the goal of those who want to justify blaming everybody else’s lives and their past. All the garbage we carry with us as our “business card” is nothing more than one giant reason not to improve. All that luggage we drag through life is only needed for trips into the past. If there is nothing in our baggage we would wish on anyone else, then why keep it for ourselves?
These three similarly themed “mantras” will help keep a new life in focus.
1. Change for the better equals abandoning our history.
2. Where I was doesn’t matter, where I am, does.
3. Blame is the battle-cry of self-destructiveness.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
43. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES
“Where understanding is present, fear is absent. Where fear is absent, love exists. Where love exists, life persists. Where life persists, the possibilities are endless.”
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
42. I LOVE YOU!
And I intend to prove it……….
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
41. OUTRUNNING THE DEMONS
I used to have nightmares that would make Wes Craven’s movies look like Sesame Street. The hellish visions seemed so real I would find myself jumping out of bed in the middle of the night in a sweaty panic, fighting off the ghostly images that would follow me into the realm of reality. My solution to this predicament was even more of what was aiding their appearance to begin with, alcohol. To be honest it would actually work on occasion and allow me a period devoid of all awareness, all interest, and all feeling, so there were times I could escape the immediate threat of my inner twisted menagerie and float away on a sea of apathy.
Introspection is the perceived enemy to those who are their own worst threat. What I didn’t realize is that when I avoided looking at myself, those reflections would intensify and re-manifest in other ways. Part of my mind, the part that was fading quickly but still intact, was desperately doing everything it could to warn me of my inevitable demise. No subtleties in play here. The carnival of madness was in full swing, and I was both the audience and the main attraction. My personality was split between rationality and insanity. The war that I encouraged between the two almost killed me. I was a candidate for a straight jacket and there’s no doubt I would have passed whatever test would have been required to acquire one.
On occasion I had times of sobriety (but NOT recovery) and physically this would feel great, but abstinence does not equal nor even add to mental health. Every time I went into a period of self-restraint my ego would eventually re-assert itself. “I” would begin to think “I” could control the urge to do what I knew was wrong. The mistake was interpreting an attitude of smugness for resolve, and again I would find myself in deep trouble.
There came a time where I eventually painted myself into a symbolic corner. I had run out of choices. I had neither the balls to blow out my brains and end it all in one fell swoop, nor the stamina to keep on living. Empty, tired, and desperate I FINALLY started asking for help. Those that came to my aid knew what had to take place. They were the ones who spun me around and showed me for the FIRST time what I was really running from, self-judgment. The absence of self-judgment is self-acceptance, and it is in this state of mind where conflict ceases. What was once broken became whole again. This is something I never could have done alone. The idea of attempting to face my demons on my own was too horrifying a prospect to even contemplate.
IF you are in a place similar to where I was, the only way to get free from that which feels inescapable is to drop your defenses (no more excuses) and ask for help. One of my first entries on this blog (for which I have provided the following link) will clarify just how to go about doing this.
“How to know if you’re on the right track”
The secret I have learned is this, those demons I was running from only existed when I refused to face them. They are shadows, reflections without dimension. It was my running that gave them strength, my denial that fueled their resolve. Where understanding is present, fear is absent. Where fear is absent, love exists. Where love exists, life persists. Where life persists, the possibilities are endless, and I intend to continue proving it.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
40. A VERY SHORT STORY…..
24. “I would not …
“I would not give up one moment of experienced pain for the promise of eternal bliss. Remembering where I’ve been and knowing what must be avoided are the greatest gifts I own.”
11. ELIMINATING REGRET
In my post “What I Believe”, there is an affirmation that says “I believe in doing the most, what I’ll regret the least.” This philosophy goes hand-in-hand with the statement: “I believe regrets are grudges I hold against myself.” These two ideas are like bookends that keep the direction of my life organized, upright, and on purpose. My past has proven that the presence of regret equals an urge to manufacture excuses. Once I’ve done something I knew wasn’t supposed to, I’d feel compelled to justify why it happened, leading to a defensive posture. As soon as I’ve done something someone else knows I shouldn’t have, and they point it out, I’ve been known to take an offensive stand. Both times I’ve sought to excuse my behavior.
I live my life in two modes, action and reaction, or offensive and defensive. They have their place, but one should not be favored over the other. They compliment with strength and harmony when properly mixed. The people who do this skillfully lead well-adjusted lives. They are easy to pay attention to and quick to listen. A balanced approach attracts, while the unbalanced delivery repels. No one likes those who are too defensive. Neither do they take kindly to those who are overly offensive. People who play the defender claim to be constantly victimized, and those who play the offender claim to be forever insulted. In either case neither person generates respect or trust from those around them. Each example must come up with constant excuses in order to continue their theatrics, or the behavior will not persist. I should know, I’ve visited the two sides with great frequency over the years.
If the erasure of regret equals the disappearance of excuses, then I say bring it on. Without regret, I cannot own or operate being either patsy or aggressor. This does not mean I’m not opinionated or that I won’t stand up for what I believe that is right and good. What it does mean is that I’ll move forward with the attitude of doing the most what I’ll regret the least. When I find myself at an intersection, the only question that must be asked is, “what will I regret doing?” I then avoid moving in those directions. As soon as I choose a lesser way, and create regret, then I begin to hold a grudge against my own actions. Those actions that we hold grudges against, we feel the need to punish. If I do the same to myself, then I’ll inevitably seek out some sort of punishment–mostly unaware I’m even doing it. This is a primary root of self-destructive behavior. ALL self-destructive behavior needs excuses to survive, so it stands to reason that it will consistently choose the lesser of two (or more) destinations in order to perpetuate its existence.
When I feel the impulse to defend, I do my best to use it by helping someone else, especially if they are not present. I’ve noticed people are more willing go into attack mode when there is no chance of retribution from the focus of their argument. Rarely will I defend a personal agenda. If what’s being threatened is my safety, only then will I not hold back. On the other hand, I’m rarely offended. I’ve chosen a few items over the years I want changed, and these I’ll let offend me. Nothing gets better unless I become dissatisfied with how things are, so this attitude is useful when an action follows that’s designed to improve something. I never do anything that undermines someone else’s quality of life just so mine can get better. Looking at both actions, I will of course avoid doing anything that would lead to a regret.
I think all of us have had episodes of supreme confidence. When I’m in these moments I move forward without complaining or explaining. No excuses, just action. “Don’t complain, don’t explain” is a very famous and useful saying. It helps eliminate other people’s opinions, bad OR good, and keeps me focused on the task at hand. When the thoughts of others are eliminated, then there’s no need to argue (defend) or no need to listen (take a chance on being offended.) There are, of course some people in my life I want feedback from, but there are VERY few.
All I know is, I’m not going to be laying in my death-bed and allow the last words of my life begin with the line “It’s too bad I didn’t…..” A life lived without regret is one of the greatest freedoms we can seek. It’s absence serves to eliminate pain and helps to invite serenity.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
9. THE RIGHT QUESTIONS
A higher standard of living is a wonderful thing. Who doesn’t want better health, a greater income, stronger relationships, better outlooks, and happier moments? This utopian existence isn’t a fantasy. As a matter of fact, it’s not that difficult to manifest. All it usually requires is a shift in patterns of thought.
When I receive anything, it’s by the appearance of only two possible outcomes–I either get what I want, or I don’t. I’m well aware that my thoughts equal my reality. Everything that surrounds me has appeared because I have desired it. The desk I’m writing upon, the clothing I’m wearing, the music I’m listening to, the health I enjoy, the love I know–all of these are here because I wished them here. If my reality becomes unsatisfactory, then my thoughts must be in line with whatever has become unwanted. Allow me to clarify this before it starts sounding a little too weird.
My quality of life equals the quality of my requests. To put it simply, better questions equal better answers. When my world was a garbage dump, it was because I collected nothing but trash. The “why me?” brand of questioning produced all kinds of unwelcome results, and since I had no idea I was doing it, I kept it up. When I asked “why am I fat?, why am I lonely?, why am I poor?, why am I an addict?”, I got a lot of answers. The answers all served to re-enforce the original idea. In essence, what I kept asking gave me more reasons to keep asking the same questions; since I was repeating myself, the answers would compound. For instance, the question “why am I so fat?” would produce replies that sounded something like this, “you’re so fat because you’re lazy, eat crap, don’t exercise, and have no will power.” When I convinced myself that I had logical reasons to keep up my behavior, I had no leverage to stop it.
Nothing changed until I shifted my questions. The brain is a remarkable machine. Almost any problem conceived will require it to produce some sort of feedback. When I started focusing on the opposite of what I’d been fixating upon, miraculous transformations began taking place. The idea of finding solutions rather than problems was an old idea, but one I had never really given much thought to. This may sound simple, but I assure you, it’s a powerful tool. The opposite of “why am I fat?” wasn’t “how do I lose weight?” This is because the idea of being heavy still persists in the question. It’s true opposite is “how do I get thin?” While this is indeed a higher quality question, it can be energized to force the brain to find the BEST solution. “What’s the healthiest way to get thin and have fun doing it?” Now THERE’ a great question.
The pattern to the elimination of this self-destructive behavior hasn’t failed me yet. These are the steps I take.
- If I have results in my life that are opposite of what I really want, I recognize that somewhere a wrong question is being asked.
- I identify the question.
- I flip the idea to the highest or most positive outcome I want.
- I take action. This often includes asking for advice or assistance.
- I actively appreciate–not just by thanking others, but also by allowing gratitude to be extended to myself.
Please keep in mind that I’m not necessarily talking about the “stuff” in life improving. The material part of my existence has always reflected my mental initiative, so my focus has remained on shifting my attitude. I believe that whatever I expect, I create. One thing’s for sure, I’ve done exactly that so far. All the pain and all the pleasure that has come and gone in my life has either met or exceeded my expectations.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
LIGHT ON THE THRESHOLD 