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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
“I would not give up one moment of experienced pain for the promise of eternal bliss. Remembering where I’ve been and knowing what must be avoided are the greatest gifts I own.”
When I was young I got into a lot of fights. I don’t recall ever starting a single one. They were all reactionary. It always took a lot of shoving before I finally shoved back. I never threw the first punch; didn’t really have the guts for it. This isn’t to say I wasn’t an instigator of sorts. I was self-centered, loud, opinionated, and downright strange. My attitude and behavior rubbed many the wrong direction. I never felt as if I were being a jerk nor was I conscious of how disruptive I could be; it’s just that my manners didn’t always put others first, something I eventually learned, thank God.
The desire to solve situations from a state of anger is the easily one of the most common routes traveled, especially for men. From playgrounds to the world stage we are witness to its evidence on a daily basis. There are other ways with similar properties, laziness, ignorance, apathy, victimization, and so on. These paths are so worn that very little grows here. Do not take this metaphor lightly. Truly, when we embrace the easy routes, nothing will manifest towards challenging us to be better. We think it’s tough to put up a fight, stand our ground, and defend what we believe in. Upon the contrary actually. The REAL way to personify toughness is to walk away from a fight, change our minds, and defend those we don’t agree with. To be tough, really tough, we must do those things that are actually tough to do.
When I began the journey out of my fog, my mentor asked me what I wanted to accomplish from the challenges that lay ahead. I stated my goal was to prove to him just how tough I could be. He said that was my ego talking; it wasn’t. I knew that a truly better life was something not very many choose to pursue. The way was never clearly marked, but the promise of capturing something few could claim to own was all the invitation I needed. What I speak of is a life lived in constant conscious improvement. I refer the triad of existence – mind, body, and spirit. Feed these three the proper nutrients and they will both grow and serve. Personally my list is rather clear. Every day I seek to become a little more healthy, informed, kind, productive, empathetic, honest, etc. Please notice the qualities I have sought to expand are my interior ones. I focus NO energy at all on such things as a bigger car, increased power, more money, or a better reputation. These pursuits are, believe it or not, the easier way. They may seem difficult at first, but when compared to strengthening the point of origin, they’re child’s play. I have nothing against a better exterior, but in order for it to be fulfilling, at least to me, it must be the result of living from the inside out.
I dare you to go forth and become the toughest person you’ve ever met. Drop the need to be right. Be in a constant state of politeness. Look the homeless in the eye and smile while you think a kind thought. Be willing to give without expecting or asking for compensation. Learn a new language. Defend the absent. Ask for help. Learn how to play an instrument. Read Shakespeare. Show your emotions. Throw or give away all the stuff you don’t use anymore. Stop complaining and start praising. Do these things sound tough to do? Damn right; some of them for some, all of them for others. Obviously the list could continue with a plethora of examples.
There are a few ways to determine your toughest route, so try these suggestions.
Decide to, one at a time, eradicate irrational fears. They serve nothing and take up too much room in an already crowded life. Not wanting to enter a dark alley in a bad part of town is a rational fear. That little spider on the counter top poses a zero threat, really. This is an irrational fear.
This is literally the fastest way to pinpoint what needs improving. Don’t believe me? Try leaving for work with plenty of time and see if the traffic is even slightly annoying. When you are late those who are also late will get in your way. When you’re early you won’t care who’s late (or thoughtless) around you.
All of us admire someone. Most of us know at least one person no wind could move. They are at peace in any situation. They probably have a good deal of abundance in their lives that reflect upon both themselves and their environment. There are of course others in the public eye that can be looked to with the same definition. Remarkably, many of these people choose to share and teach how they remain in an unwavering attitude concerning their commitments to a better way of living. Mimic their behavior and you will reproduce similar results for yourself.
When we give a little more time to allow ourselves a choice of actions (rather than the habitual or instinctive ones) we open a window to view alternative courses. I feel we almost always blindly choose the easiest (or perhaps most commonly used) method for approaching how we “take offence” or “present defense.” For instance when someone insults you, try saying that you were just about to remark on the nice shirt they were wearing. Nothing like water to put out a fire.
There is no reward without the intent of sacrifice. When time is needed to accomplish what must be done, some leisure activities are usually forfeit. When money is needed to seed an idea, frivolous spending must come to a stop. When weight is to be lost, chocolate must stay in the candy isle. Most people are reluctant to give up pleasure and replace it with what they think might be pain, but it’s all relative anyway. The idea of sacrifice can easily be equated with taking chances. This attitude can keep us in a falsely labeled “safe zone”. How many chances have you taken that improved your life? How many chances have you not taken that ended in regret? The opposite is true of course for both sides, but let’s be honest, taking chances is always far and away the more positive route. Ask yourself these questions, and you’ll see why it’s vital to occasionally step away from where you’ve convinced yourself your comfortable.
Take your focus off what might repeat itself from and place your attention on the future. This is how to envision and motivate real change. When we choose to see only what’s behind us, constantly fearing the past is doomed to repeat itself, any kind of progress is going to be labeled as luck, or even worse, we’re going to feel unworthy of reward. Walking one way and looking another may gain a tiny bit of road, but in the end it will eventually cause a major accident. A life lived reactivity is the way of cowardice. It’s filled with excuses like “what if?” and “how come?” An active life defines true courage. Excuses do not exist here; trust, and determination do. This does not mean we should move forward without at least a rear-view mirror. Reminders of where we don’t want to be can put a little more speed in our progress, just don’t stop looking ahead.
So…..are you tough or easy? Me? I have both characteristics just like most, but the proof that I’m a lot tougher than I used to be presents itself as unexpected abundance, something I’m confidant will never stop expanding.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
When I look back on my life and attempt to decipher the miraculous way it has interwoven itself to this point I see nothing I would change. The moments of misery that had me on my knees, begging for release, are the greatest gifts I own. Would I want to relive those epiphanies again? I would rather crawl naked up Mount Everest on broken glass, so the answer is a resounding no. It does however go to show just how powerful a true lesson can be. Knowing what we must avoid can sometimes be much more valuable than focusing on what we want to align with.
Almost all of my misery came from the habit of repetition. Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” My insanity was compounded by the idea that if I repeated myself enough, I’d create better results. Funny thing was, I did manage (just barely) to do just that. Almost died because of it though, so please, try to put on the brakes a little earlier that I did. Once I finally started moving out of my spiraling decay, I found a way to embrace life I had never considered before. Death was so close at one point. The sunset of my life had almost turned my entire world black. Only a matter of weeks were left for me, and I made one last attempt at redemption. With nothing left to lose, I decided on an action I had avoided all my life based mostly on a fear of the unknown. I decided to start taking chances.
A sure thing is by no means a guarantee of reward. All it promises is a life without surprises, challenges, or excitement. When the future is somewhat foreseeable, be it good or bad, a process of planned response becomes embedded in our programming. Every day is dull and predictable. There is a need for predictability in our lives or we couldn’t function, but it’s the moments of the unexpected that always lead to the memories we cherish the most. Without these forks in the road we have no signposts pointing to what might be either a more beneficial path or one better avoided. Life is meant to be an adventure. Those who have made history, those we’ve read about and remember the most, are the ones who–when a new path that looked interesting opened up–took it without hesitation. Reward comes not just with risk but sacrifice of the self. The willingness to leave old ideas, old habits, and old pursuits behind is what frees us to move faster and freer towards a better tomorrow.
I’ve never taken a chance I’ve come to regret. It’s happened so much over the years that I actively seek new situations. I’m picky about them, but I choose many nonetheless. On the other hand there have been countless times where I’ve avoided taking a chance and have come to regret it, though the days of doing this are long behind me.
I believe life is lived better without ever asking “what if?” I don’t give myself permission to wonder what might have happened anymore. Do fear and caution accompany many such endeavors? Absolutely, but it’s always temporary. The anguish of knowing I missed out on a better opportunity has the potential to last an entire lifetime. Feelings such as these are the foundation of stagnation and remorse.
Please, whatever you dare to conceive, whatever you think is impossible, whatever seems hopeless, you must take a chance. No more wondering if you have the potential, no more wondering if you have the fortitude, no more wondering what others will think, and no more wondering how things could have been. If all of us were to step into our dreams and carry them forward into reality, this world would be the paradise only envisioned in literature. The proof that this is true is that paradise exists already for those who live in a world of chance. It’s too bad they stand out so prominently. I intend to be one of them.
With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
Once, a long time ago, I was witness to a hit and run. Never really saw the car, but I was the man who stopped to help the victim. She remained conscious and I remained calm, all the while telling her that things were going to be just fine. I knew they weren’t. She was bleeding from her eyes and ears and was concerned about her husband getting upset she was going to miss work that day. I took off my coat and gently placed it over her, worried that the cold, snowy ground was going to compound problems of shock. The collision was so hard that her shoes bounced off my windshield some forty feet away, so my gut feeling was that there was much more injury than could be diagnosed by casual observation. I continued a simple reassuring conversation with her, never letting on what I really thought. My only goals were to keep her conscious and to try and stop her from panicking. Within minutes the paramedics showed up. Her condition in this short span had already showed signs of deterioration. The blood flow from her injuries was increasing and she had lost her eyesight. I never asked her what her name was. I guess I didn’t need to. They whisked her off, and I continued to work, wondering if she was even going to live. Seventeen years later, I still wonder.
What behavior marks the pinnacle of our aspirations? That morning I spent ten minutes lying to a total stranger, and yet at the time I knew I’d done the right thing. That morning I treated someone differently than I might have wanted them to treat me, and looking back, I wouldn’t hesitate doing the same thing again. That morning, though tragic for someone else, forced me to abandon what I normally thought of as proper conduct and embrace a much more powerful idea, kindness.
The “Golden Rule” that all of us are familiar with is something I cannot fully endorse anymore. It is a good idea and a great place to start, but it can be abusive and heartless if practiced with too much passion. I am forty-eight years old. I carry no shame with my age and I never will. For one, I’ve never associated how old I am with who I am. Now I ask you, just because I carry this belief close to my heart, does this give me free rein to ask all who cross my path what their age is? There is no doubt that this is indeed treating others the way I want to be treated, but the very idea of doing this is selfish and inconsiderate. The “Golden Rule” applies in this situation only when I change the angle of approach by generalizing the moment; would I want a total stranger asking me a question I was unprepared or unwilling to answer? Of course not.
The second situation that seemed to violate my ethics all those years ago was lying. My heart knew this was a circumstance where the outcome could easily end with the death of the person I was talking to. Yes, it did cross my mind; what I would want to hear if the roles were reversed? If I felt the end might be near, would I like the chance to say goodbye to those I loved? Would I want to express a final thought? Would I want to ask forgiveness for things I could no longer correct? These are harsh questions and not to be lightly asked when a life hangs in the balance. I suppose if death were eminent, that there was no chance living, then yes, by all means I would want the truth. Even then I suppose I’d want it tempered with reassurance and faith that what awaited was not to be feared. I had no idea what lay in store for this woman an hour from then, but I had a grasp of what the immediate future held. Instead of handing her the facts, I opted to give her nothing but hope. It wasn’t just for her, but to a small degree, me as well. I had to share a belief that things were okay, if nothing else so that she could hang on long enough for those who could bring real aid to have a better chance.
One of my mentors says, “When facing the choice to be right or to be kind comes up, choose kindness.” This means never saying to someone “I told you so.” There are of course times that require a blunt approach, but they always seem to come before any given incident, not after. I feel potentially negative honesty is best used as a warning. It also comes in handy to point out unrecognized acts of self-destruction, but even this is still nothing more than a warning to not repeat oneself. Basically, I believe that “Honesty precedes, while compassion follows.”
To live compassionately is my goal. To be empathetic (not sympathetic) towards all I meet is the life I demand of myself. To align with another individual’s priorities, even for just a moment, erases my ego. I cannot be “self-centered” when I become “they-centered.” This is a blessing of the highest sort. All the pain, anguish, bitterness, hostility, angst, regret, and fear that had so effectively eroded my life was the direct result of the storms of my selfishness. The peace that compassion continues to feed me, strengthens me. May it strengthen all of us.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
I had this bumper sticker printed up years ago and handed them out for free to anyone willing to take one. While it still makes me laugh, I also consider it a very important question. It’s a little like hearing someone complain about whiners. Not only are they joining in with the same crowd they are trying to distance themselves from, now they’re center stage. I think this is why we should “Love thine enemy as thyself.”
If tolerance is what we want to project, are we not obligated to turn this attitude towards those who receive it the least? When mankind experiences pain somewhere in its “body” shouldn’t this demand care and healing? We seem to point towards what isn’t working in our society and do our best to fight it rather than help it. We praise that which is already doing well and insult what isn’t functioning properly. In my opinion this attitude is destructive and immoral.
No one wants to be around a hypocrite. People that do this are fooling themselves into believing that by putting everyone else down, they don’t have to work at doing anything to look good. We witness this unethical “sleight-of-hand” all the time in various incarnations. The “I’m right and everyone else is wrong” syndrome is, unfortunately, very common. “No one does what I tell them to do” equals “I’m perfect, they’re flawed.” “No one comes up with better solutions than me” equals “I’m brilliant and they’re stupid.” “Others don’t do nearly as much work as me” equals “I’m productive, they’re useless.” “Everyday I fight bad drivers on the way to work” equals “I’m courteous, they’re rude.” All of these are hypocritical attitudes. No one is perfect. This is not a generalized judgment; I simply mean that there is always room for improvement. The trap of thinking you’re beyond reproach is to invite a lifestyle that will convince itself there’s no need for progress. Those who try to position themselves into a brighter spotlight by negative promotion lose all credibility. They don’t realize their audience is instinctively aware that they’re unwilling to become better.
I would love to think I am past this kind of behavior but I’m not. On occasion I catch myself playing the victim. My moments of “poor me” are a lot less pronounced than they used to be, but at least I have the ability to recognize them. This “role” leaves a bitter taste, I assure you. I’ve learned there are countermeasures for this habit.
I think it’s amazing just how many don’t do this. It’s too bad that the ones who do this stand out so prominently. They are a rare breed; I wish they weren’t.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
For both men and women, knowing where to begin a better life can be overwhelming. I’m only the doorman to tomorrow. I can show you where to start, but I will not tell you where to go.
When I first set out to seek out new avenues and new sources for self-improvement, I made a trip to my local book store expecting to find exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t. I stood there facing several hundred choices wondering where to start. Surely someone had written a beginner’s guide, a square one launching point that wasn’t overwhelming. My goal was to find something not only easy to read, but informative and entertaining. I sought plain and straight forward instruction on how to move ahead in my life. I wanted a resource that would offer the basics and inspire me to continue researching whatever subject might stimulate my interest. After thumbing through several dozen publications, I found out rather quickly my thirst for knowledge was being offered to me through a fire hose. There was no doubt every answer conceivable lay buried in the pages of the volumes I was wavering in front of, but the process of sifting through endless manuals to look for what appealed to me was not one I was eager to attempt. For the most part, each title addressed a specific topic, and that was fine, but my tastes were much more generalized. What I longed for, even though I didn’t know it at the time, were the right questions. Eventually, through trial and error, I became interested in specific authors, various subjects, and diverse teachings. Even though the road I chose was slow and treacherous, I never stopped progressing. There is, however, little doubt in my mind, I’d be a lot further along than I am now if it had been somewhat less intimidating. It is my opinion that the absence of an easy first step keeps many a wandered traveler from finding their way home.
There was a time when I was truly certifiable. I had nothing in my world that someone would have wanted in theirs. In 1995 I was drinking two-fifths of vodka a day. Since July 28th of that same year, I have been in recovery. As the years progressed, I worked on various elements of my character that needed nurturing. My health improved as did the rest of my personal life. Abundance flowed in, while misfortune waned. In the summer of 2007, came one of my biggest wake-up calls. I had hit the high mark of my weight–347 pounds. After committing to a weight loss program early in 2009, I lost over 105 pounds in six months without loss of energy or strength. I now tip the scales at an average of 220. I’ve had heat stroke, carbon monoxide poisoning, viral pneumonia, MRSA (staph infections), pulmonary embolisms, and car accidents. There are those who may use similar events to convince others how unlucky they are; I use them to prove how fortunate I am. I’ve survived these and other temporary setbacks with flying colors. If attitude is everything, then I’m the direct result of the resolute belief that life gets better every day.
My attempt with this blog is not to provide a goal, but rather an introduction. I’m not a scholar, nor am I a counselor. As a matter of fact, I’m a plumber; a blue-collar worker who has no problems getting his hands dirty and breaking a sweat for a living. Hopefully, my background will offer an approachable and relaxed alternative for those just starting out. I know it’s easier to undertake a journey when the entrance is clearly marked. I’ll never tell anyone where to go, but I’ll be glad to talk about where I’ve been and if you want to visit these places, I’ll simply point the way.
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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood
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