Answers

73. A LETTER TO MYSELF

message_in_a_bottle

In July of 1995 I was a desperate mess. The future offered no comfort or promise, the past supplied only pain and excuses. It had been many years since even a moment of happiness had flickered. In its absence my pursuits were narrowed to chasing pleasure, and even that road was turning into a nightmarish, twisted path where my demons urged me to continue a life of madness from the sidelines. I felt doomed to die in waves of searing agony, leaving behind a life that, once extinguished, would make the world a better place for everyone.

I was wrong.

If you could write a letter to your younger self what would you say? Would you reveal things better discovered through experience? Would you try to avoid any of the pain you have felt? Would you attempt to speed up the future so better things could be done faster? It’s what I would have wanted at the time, and if those wishes had come true I guarantee I would have pissed the gift of foresight away in a matter of days.

Here is my letter………..

July 27th, 1995

Dear Daniel,

I know you are in pain, angry and scared. I promise there are wonderful times and teachers ahead. Shut your mouth, open your ears, and don’t lie. The universe will place in your path all that you need and want. Love, purpose, and health will return. The road will be challenging but you will have guidance, motivation, and peace. I will NOT tell you anything about who, what, where, or when. Here is where faith must be employed.

There are really only a few pieces of advice I can offer. Above all remember this, if you walk through life backwards you will never see the signs leading you to a better place. Let go of your history. There is nothing that happened yesterday that can be used to justify this moment; the past does not equal the future. Stop insisting on doing things your way and give in to their way. This doesn’t mean you’ll become a slave to the will of others, it means you become willing to serve something greater than yourself. Drop the need to be right. It’s a waste of time. Eventually the right thing always happens anyway. Stop judging yourself, this is the biggest breeding ground of excuses one can tend. Focus on the moment, don’t regret the past, don’t worry about the future. And this last one will not make sense for a long time, just keep it in your head. “Never give up but ALWAYS let go.” It sounds like a dichotomy; it’s not. Remember that I love you and believe in you.

Daniel

This letter is really for anyone who was in, and is in, the same place I was.  I love and believe in you too.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

 

72. WHAT DO MEN WANT?

confused guy

OK ladies, let me guess what comes to mind first; beer and sex? Well, yes for the male of the human species, but not the real men. Some boys never become men just as some girls never become women, but it’s my guess the odds of transformation heavily favor females. I was in my thirties before I could look in the mirror and say out loud to my reflection that I was indeed a man. In my opinion the foundation for guys, is in a word, strength. We want to be tough and here’s the problem with this philosophy. We tend to equate toughness purely on a physical level. When this happens we cling to those times in our lives where we were were the strongest. For many it lies in our youth and we spend a great deal of energy either focused on or trying to recapture the past. For many more this remains a chase throughout our lifetimes. We become convinced that if we cannot physically prove ourselves we will lose our identity.  There’s an easy fix and the MEN know what it is. All we must do is re-define what strength really is. Real strength lies in the willingness to do those things that are hard to do. No need to go into it here, there’s an early entry on this blog that addresses this subject.

Being Tough

Click on the link above.

Feel free to share this with those guys in life that seek answers. So many are.

So, let’s get into some “secrets” about men that women don’t usually know. Think you understand what look turns a man on? I doubt it. Here is a little quiz to test your knowledge.

OBSERVATION #1 What do we find truly sexy?

Take any woman, doesn’t matter who she is as long as the man in question feels she is fairly attractive. Let’s dress her up several ways and see what look the man finds most alluring.

  • Bikini
  • Jeans and a tee-shirt
  • Lingerie
  • Sundress
  • Hooker
  • Naked
  • Business suit
  • Evening gown

So, what do you think number one is? Actually it’s a tie and I’ve never heard an answer past the third choice. In first place….sundress/business suit. Jeans and a tee-shirt is third. I prefer the sundress but the business suit is my second choice. Notice that the other choices, hooker, lingerie, bikini, naked, and even the evening gown are designed to grab our attention. Believe it or not I think we prefer femininity mixed with a hint of wonder and discovery. Show your man this article and see if I’m not right on the money. If you want to mix the sundress with the business suit think “librarian.”

OBSERVATION #2 Men LOVE to shop.

It’s true, we love to shop; we just don’t usually want to spend time or money in the same places women do. Pawn shops, garage sales, flea markets, anyplace that has tools, and outdoor accessories/sporting goods are typical examples of what triggers our desire to spend. Want to get us to go with you? Promise that some of your stops will include places like this. Yes, we are probably going to sit on the bench in the middle of the mall while you look for makeup and shoes if that’s the only thing on the agenda. Mix it up and we will gladly share in your interests. There’s nothing like the “toy store” to get anybody excited. Girls play dress up, princesses and dolls; women love to shop for clothing and accessories. Boys love to construct, Legos, and Erector sets; men love to build and fix. The urge to connect to the creative side never goes away, it simply becomes practical. So, women, if you play your cards right and take us to the right toy stores, we may in turn produce something useful from it. I am aware these are stereotypical examples. Some guys prefer a canvas and paintbrush, and some women prefer flowers and gardening. In any event it should be easy to decipher an individual’s taste and need for expression. A richer life of creativity usually begins with where you both go when you leave the house and what you come back with. Sharing in those activities will result in a productive and fun relationship.

OBSERVATION #3 What happens to a bunch of men when an attractive female enters the room?

You know why women think men are idiots? Well, it’s because basically we are, especially when we’re young and in a group. In my youth I too was occasionally a part of the behavior that illustrates what I’m about to point out. So, what does happen to guys when a beautiful woman walks in? Do we wonder what she looks like naked? Do we fantasize about what might happen on our first encounter? Do we wonder if she might find us attractive? Hardly. What happens is we all start competing to see who’s the biggest moron. We start trying to impress each other. It’s that stupid alpha male, chest beating, peacock strutting crap; and alcohol magnifies this effect about ten fold. As a matter of fact, if you get enough men together we’ll just stop talking and start grunting and pointing. Morons. Here’s the kicker; the one guy that really does want to meet the woman will go up to her, introduce himself, then they’ll both leave and no one will notice. We really are idiots around women. The good news for women lies in knowing just who’s avoiding this urge to lower their I.Q. In doing so you will automatically weed out all the losers.

OBSERVATION #4 The way to a man’s heart is through the funny bone.

I remember somewhere around middle school the topic of maturity cropped up concerning the speed at which girls progress compared to boys. I was offended at the time but the observation was spot on. There is a way to look at this with more awareness and it has to do with semantics. Try this one out and see if you agree. Girls take life seriously faster than boys do. It’s a subtle change, almost negligible, but is does refine the definition of what both sexes instinctively understand. It’s true, we do seem to take life less seriously, but therein lies one of our greatest assets, humor. We love to laugh and to make people laugh, and I’ve never met a woman who doesn’t want a guy who’s willing to oblige. There’s no doubt we take it too far sometimes, I know I do. At the beginning of this article I said men only wanted beer and sex. I left out laughter. We crave humor, both as spectator and performer. I’m well aware that women have this same need too but I feel ours is more pronounced; and juvenile. I’m sure the ladies will agree with the juvenile part. Keep us in a humorous mood and we will follow you anywhere.

That’s all I have for the moment. Perhaps when another twenty years goes by I’ll have a little more insight. For now this will have to do.

Don’t forget to check out my last entry “What do Women Want? There’s some humor in there as well.

What do Women Want?

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

71. WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

 ellie and carl

Don’t worry……..what men want will be the subject of my next entry.

I bet I know what you’re thinking; the men’s entry is going to be a LOT shorter than this one. We’ll see. In any event, what I’m going to share should be somewhat entertaining. I just turned fifty and there’s no doubt some of this knowledge would have been of use when I was much younger. I’m not trying to come off as some great guru that knows about the ultimate secrets keeping men and women from understanding each other better. Lord knows I need a lot more information before that tag could be used, but what I do know is for the most part fairly accurate and rather useful.

So, men, listen up. You think you know what a woman wants in a man; money, power, and looks, right? Wrong. Here’s where we stumble massively. We’re used to seeing “normal” looking guys with gorgeous ladies and think “What the heck? What is it that attracts these beauty queens to those whom we judge ordinary? Well, they know and practice those traits that are truly magnetic, either instinctively or consciously.  Look to all the male sex symbols of Hollywood, the stratospheric examples of today and those that live on through pop culture and legend. Look for the common behaviors and it becomes easy to see why they are the men who have never, and will never fade away. Here are the five biggest patterns.

OBSERVATION # 1.  What attracts a woman?

  1. There’s no cologne like confidence. This is the single most powerful source of attraction on the planet and I’m not just talking men and women, I mean men with everyone and women with everyone. Men, however screw it up the most and feel cockiness is a synonym for this elusive elixir. Far from it. Cockiness is the best repellent one can project. Here’s the difference in a nutshell. Confidence wants to prove itself through action, cockiness wants to convince others through dialogue. Women (and everyone else) are attracted to doers, not to those who brag.
  2. Nothing grabs attention like a powerful command of language. You think Sean Connery, Johnny Depp, Yul Brenner, Cary Grant, and George Clooney are at the top strictly because of their looks? Hardly. Yes, they’re handsome, but let’s face it, that’s what Hollywood is mostly full of anyway; beautiful people. What makes the standouts standout? Listen to them talk and you’ll hear a distinctive pattern of intelligence and ease. They do not stumble through vocal expression, they rejoice in it taking careful steps to speak with the proper speed, tonality, and emotion. Two of the best are Liam Neeson and Anthony Hopkins, perhaps not the most attractive of men, but ask any woman who has watched them and you might be surprised at what they think.
  3. Posture. I still see men my age walking like they are in middle school two years past puberty. Slouching, mouth hanging open, dragging their feet, and spitting every 18.4 feet. Yuck. Yup, these guys are not the stuff of female fantasy. Have some self-worth to how you move and people will project an image of someone who believes in himself. Walk with purpose but not with arrogance. Think “James Bond” and you’ll have it made.
  4. Kindness/Selflessness. This does not portray weakness and anyone who would argue otherwise is probably quite lonely and unhappy. Putting others first is truly rare and therefore extremely noticeable when it takes place. Those who work toward the interests of everyone else eventually command the most respect and admiration. This cannot be faked and those that try come across as shallow and dishonest. How can a woman not be attracted to a man who has her best interests at heart?
  5. Hygiene. It’s been said one cannot judge a book by its cover; I disagree with this. How we treat ourselves sends a powerful message to those we come in contact with; and cleanliness is the best first message we can offer to those we wish to attract. Whether you like it or not it’s difficult to sell to self-respect and reliability when it’s wrapped in neglect. Nothing fancy needed here.  Clean fingernails, combed hair, brushed teeth, fresh clothing, etc. Keep in mind that hygiene extends to our environment as well. Being clean and somewhat organized can be quite seductive.

So, nothing above has to do with looks, money, or power. Looks, money, and power only become desirable when they are preceded by the proper attitudes and habits. They are the enhancements of structure; and those structures built with the greatest of care automatically attract quality upgrades.

OBSERVATION #2. The power of surprise.

For the men that don’t get this one, here is where the seed of anything romantic lies. All women love surprises, but not all surprises are appropriate. No unannounced parties where she hasn’t gotten ready to look her best are allowed. Driving to the jewelry store to pick up something already purchased when she thinks you are going to lunch is allowed. Surprises must be kind, soft, helpful, and loving in nature. Packages in the mail with her name on them, cleaning the house when she is away, a handwritten letter, flowers delivered to her work; these are the gestures that prove to the one you love that she is on your mind.  Even when she might suspect the event, she still wants the surprise, and here’s why. When she says “You don’t need to get anything for my birthday” she is placing more value on your ability to understand and anticipate what she desires over her urge to simply request it. Here’s the kicker. When a man says “I don’t want to do anything for my birthday” the woman interprets is as “Ah! I must surprise him!” This is why we seem to have so many truly unwanted events, actions, and gifts. Don’t feel bad guys, they come from the heart.

OBSERVATION #3. The number one thing women want us to give them.

Ah, the age old question, what do women want from men? (This is different from the first observation; what do women want in a man, what do women want from a man?) It is jewelry, security, or sex? Perhaps it’s the ability to open jars, fix the car, or reach something on the top shelf? How superficial can you get? They want the same thing we want from someone we are going to spend the majority of our time with.  Number one, at the top of the list in bold easy to read letters – they want us to be their best friend. And they should be. Anything less is undesirable for both sides. Think about this for a minute. Our best friends we grew up with (I’m most likely talking other guys here) we are probably still friends with, right? Yet did we not have disagreements and sometimes even knockdown drag-out fights with these same people? Of course, but in the end we remained friends. It’s a powerful force, one difficult to break or walk away from. Friendship, real friendship, is the purest form of love because in the end it’s unconditional. Bumps in the road do not keep us from moving forward. Casual acquaintances move on after a time, and that’s fine, but best friends see beyond hardship and disagreements. When we see elderly couples walking in the park, holding hands and smiling, isn’t there a sense that there’s something more than love between them? To me they almost seem like  the same person. This is what women want.

There it is, I wish I knew more but for the moment it will do. Don’t worry, the men’s section is next. It promises to be a lot funnier and I’m sure it will surprise a lot of you.

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With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood